#1
This is something I'm working on right now. Lyrics are the easy part - the music is a work in progress. Please let me know what you think.


Hey happiness why don't you slide on over my way
You and me, we could make something, hey
Shake this perfectly average state I’m in
Melancholy always feels like home

Find myself spinnin’ on center stage, hey
Bright lights, use my shadow for my shade
Then wake up from a dream and feel the loss
Hey, so maybe, maybe you were never there
Oh happiness

Found my antidote in every note, hey
Score one for fate who always wins the game
Zero down, nowhere to go, hey
Dang, you don’t play fair

Flip a page, skip a line, hey it’s all the same
Shatter into oblivion, only myself to blame
You’ve got some nerve to show up here again
Hey, you coming or going this time?

Hey, I see how it is, and the reason you came
Hey don’t linger and try to dull the pain
A hole in a wall is called a window
But a full heart isn’t a heart filled

The tragedy is that I’ll want you, hey
Don’t act like it’s so far out of your way
Heartless, you’re my desire
Strange shadows in my memory

Find myself spinnin’ on center stage, hey
Bright lights, use my shadow for my shade
Then wake up from a dream and feel the loss
Hey, so maybe you were never there


...if you notice, I used "hey" twice in every stanza - just to see what I could do.
Last edited by leilalauren at Jun 8, 2011,
#2
Wow, great stuff. My favourite line's gotta be "Found my antidote in every note", but I think I felt let down by your line after "A hole in a wall is called a window" - it was really set up for a mean line afterwards (if talking about hearts). Go well, godspeed. This was great to read.
#3
Love this line: 'Flip a page, skip a line, hey it’s all the same'

Oh and by the way your second to last stanza doesn't have two 'hey's in it. I don't know whether that was on purpose but you pointed out at the end that you wanted to use two in every stanza.

But I really enjoyed reading this.
#4
Going with your idea of using 'Hey' in each stanza, I don't like...

Hey, I see how it is, and the reason you came
Hey don’t linger and try to dull the pain
A hole in a wall is called a window
But a full heart isn’t a heart filled

The use of it as the sentence start twice in a row just gets me the wrong way, I would suggest perhaps changing it to...

Hey, I see how it is, and the reason you came
Don’t linger and try to dull the pain
A hole in a wall is called a window
But hey, a full heart isn’t a heart filled

I would say I liked it but its not what I typically enjoy. So, as far as I can tell, it's good for what it is. Keep it up
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
#5
Thanks guys for your critiques!

crisisinheaven: Yes, thank you. I thought that was a bit weak too. I'll work on that.

IndentedFingers
: Oops! haha, I'll have to fix that too! Thanks.

剣 斧 血: Very insightful. I think I'll have to rewrite that whole stanza. I appreciate you taking the time to critique even when it's not your style.

This piece is pretty personal, so I thank you all for your compliments. It means a lot to me.
#6
The kinda structure I wish I could write my self! I will keep reading urs to get ideas for mine .. I love ur use of words and how it flows beautifully with out the need for constant ryhme!
#7
The second stanza has "Oh happiness" tacked on the end, and it's the only one that does. If that's a chorus, I could see it working, and I've heard vocalists pull off far more awkward things. But reading it and looking at the meter and flow it just seems to stick out. Which could be intentional, but if it is, doing it more than once would reinforce that.
#8
The inserted heys and dangs and whoas feel like you have tourettes syndrome. cut them out. syllabic count is important but not more so than the flow of the song.

yeah.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#9
I think that the way you've used the language, including the "dang"s and the "hey"s somehow make this song more lively and upbeat than the subject matter implies (from what I can see the subject is being unhappy and wanting to be happy). I really like that about this. Well done!
#10
Quote by Something_Vague
The inserted heys and dangs and whoas feel like you have tourettes syndrome. cut them out. syllabic count is important but not more so than the flow of the song.

yeah.


Ouch! I'm sorry it didn't agree with you.


Quote by grovermj
I think that the way you've used the language, including the "dang"s and the "hey"s somehow make this song more lively and upbeat than the subject matter implies (from what I can see the subject is being unhappy and wanting to be happy). I really like that about this. Well done!

That's exactly the idea! If you can feel that by just reading the lyrics and not even hearing the music then I feel I've accomplished my purpose.

This song is very unique. I have a very unusual habit of occasionally writing a song while listening to another. For this, I listened to "Happiness" by The Fray. (no, I did not plagiarize.)
I was fighting depression that particular night, and decided to think of happiness as a person and tell it exactly what i think.
Although I meant every frustrated, dejected word I wrote, I'm thrilled that you read between the lines and saw my hopeful optimism.