#1
I've finally been writing lyrics again lately. This is my first full song in a while. Please be as harsh as necessary; I'd really like to work out all of the kinks in this before recording. Genre is alternative/indie I guess; it's hard to describe. C4C, as always.

Also, title suggestions are more than welcome.

On a final note, I added musical cues to express the song better.


Verse:
The moon exposes your stare
Worsens my suffering knees
Destroy the world to create it again
Rescue only the grass and the trees

[huge bass drop]

Chorus:
Everything you hold
Is falling away
You're falling away

What's left of love
When everyone's gone
A funeral at dawn
Never solved anything

Post-Chorus:
They said that you

[riff drops and verse kicks in]

Verse:
You can't abandon me now
Look down, we're drifting apart
Defend the hope that you have left
Like ribs embracing a heart

[random extra riff]

Chorus:
Everything you hold
Is falling away
You're falling away

What's left of love
When everyone's gone
A funeral at dawn
Never solved anything

Post-Chorus:
They said that you
They said that you
They said that you died

[distorted guitar holds last chord and melodic clean guitar fades in]

Bridge:
A prism without the light
An angel's eyes
Populate the world inside of you
With smiling faces

[distorted guitar kicks in, melodic clean guitar keeps playing]

Outro:
Keep love away from your heart (x4)
#2
I really liked the instrumental cues. I think some punctuation would really help out the flow. It reads kinda choppy on paper. (But it probably flows well when sung). You have some really good lines here ("they said that you died"/ the entire bridge section/"keep love away from your hear"), but you also have some weak ones. "Worsens my suffering knees". I understand what you're saying here. It just doesn't come off as urgent as it should. Also "rescue only the grass and the trees" seems awkward. Maybe "And keep..." instead of "Rescue"? Anyways, I hope this crit helped and I hope to read more from you

Crit mine please.

Between the Styrofoam Cups
#3
Thanks for the critique. Yes, this flows much better when sung than on paper. I'll see what I can do with the lines you mentioned, though it might be a while until I can get to altering this, as I'm working on about half a dozen songs right now.

Anyway, thanks again.
#4
I really liked the phrasing here...an abstract way of expressing what's obsolete.
What's left of love
When everyone's gone
A funeral at dawn
Never solved anything

Again, beautifully abstract - very creative. Good job.
Bridge:
A prism without the light
An angel's eyes
Populate the world inside of you
With smiling faces
Last edited by leilalauren at Jun 8, 2011,