#1
i'm new be nice i cant find a way to write without making it rhyme.. i'd luv some constructive input thanx ahead of time..


My modern knight drove a green mustang steed
he liked to drive fast
had a need for speed
he wore no armor
rocked 501 jeans
That boy showed me what
it meant to live free

No need for swords, no archery
A modern knight needs no weaponry
strong and brave
says he's what i need
in a world of chaos and lost chivalry

I had a reputation with the boys in town
he paid it no attention
said he'd show the whole town
cause they couldn't see the light inside me
the way my eyes spoke words
Only his heart could read

No need for swords no archery
a modern knight has no need of these
strong and brave
says hes what i need
in a world ruled by chaos and lost chivalry

It weighed on him
i know it did
to hear them say the things i did
but he'd just smile and wink at me
lean over and whisper our secret to me
My heart is my sword my love is your shield
i'll protect you always
even knowing all of your sins
My love is given unconditionally
even to the girl you use to be

No need for swords no archery
a modern knight need no weaponry
strong and brave
says he's what i need
my modern knight and his green mustang steed
#2
Hey, this is pretty good! It reminds me a lot of the stuff I wrote when I first started. Ahhh......those were the days.......Anyway, here are my thoughts:


Okay, so I know this verse is crucial to set up your plot, although I can't help but be dissatisfied with the first three lines. If your trying to use "mustang," referencing a car and a horse simultaneously (which works perfectly with your theme), I can't help but wonder if there's a more creative way to word that...
Oh, and I don't think you need the word "modern" to describe him either. Your audience with easily infer that from your concise and colorful wording.
My modern knight drove a green mustang steed
he liked to drive fast
had a need for speed
he wore no armor
rocked 501 jeans
That boy showed me what
it meant to live free


And here, I think the first two lines need work. If this is your chorus, it needs to be really solid.
No need for swords, no archery
A modern knight needs no weaponry
strong and brave
says he's what i need
in a world of chaos and lost chivalry


Love love love this.
I had a reputation with the boys in town
he paid it no attention
said he'd show the whole town
cause they couldn't see the light inside me
the way my eyes spoke words
Only his heart could read


I love this too. (Haha, I'm a sucker for happy endings)
It weighed on him
i know it did
to hear them say the things i did
but he'd just smile and wink at me
lean over and whisper our secret to me
My heart is my sword my love is your shield
i'll protect you always
even knowing all of your sins
My love is given unconditionally
even to the girl you use to be


So I hope you don't mind my scribbles all over your work. I like it. I can't help but wonder what sort of genre you're envisioning? I'm assuming; from lyrics like these, that it's country.
Keep writing! (Oh, and if you could critique my stuff too I'd appreciate it.)
#3
This was really really good. Seemed a tad personal, but I liked that sort of vibe. You have a comprehensive critique, so I shan't do one myself, but I think the chorus should be scrapped and rewritten. It just seems a little cheesey- sort of Shania Twain-esque. But if thats the style you're going for, then I will dig it to

Seeing that you've only just joined UG, welcome!
You have promise, I'll look forward to seeing some of your other stuff.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.