#1
Hi, this is my first time posting a song on here, so thanks for any critique.

Sitting here
Staring at the wall
It looks back at me
And I almost fall

Then it says hello
It tugs at my sleeve
It whispers to my ear
That it will never leave me

But now it's whispering when I'm asleep,
So I cannot sleep any more.
But it's still whispering when I'm awake,
So I cannot take... any more.

And now there's broken glass
On the floor
It's like it's reaching out for me to
go to war

I throw it at the wall
watch it fall
It's like a curse
I've hurt myself
And it's only gonna get worse, only gonna get worse

And it's tricked me that it's over.
It's tricked me that I'm free.
It's tricked me that I'm sober.
And now it's on a spree.

It told me to walk slower.
It said the war was won.
And then it called me over.
And shot me with my gun.

But it's still whispering when I'm asleep,
Cause' I can only sleep since the war.
And it's still whispering and I cannot wake,
No I cannot wake, no I cannot wake any more.


I'm not really happy with the second line in this:

''But it's still whispering when I'm awake,
So I cannot take... any more.''

So If anyone could help me with that I'd be really grateful .
Last edited by IndentedFingers at Jun 9, 2011,
#3
Now I think about it, it does seem a bit forced. How about something like 'by giving me false relief' instead of 'and now it's on a spree'?

Thank you very much for your feedback!
#4
Hey, no prob!

Okay, so I went back over it....just 'cause I like it so much.

I don't like the last line here...maybe something like: "a heavy gaze to break my fall".
Sitting here
Staring at the wall
It looks back at me
And I almost fall

Then it says hello
It tugs at my sleeve
It whispers to my ear
That it will never leave me

But now it's whispering when I'm asleep,
So I cannot sleep any more.
But it's still whispering when I'm awake,
So I cannot take... any more.

I would switch the order of stanzas 4 and 5. It might make a bit more sense. Your last line above is kinda desperate "i can't take it any more!" so I think it would be more powerful if the following was your next line:
I throw it at the wall
watch it fall
It's like a curse
I've hurt myself
And it's only gonna get worse, only gonna get worse

Now, here I know you're introducing the war concept, but I can't help but be dissatisfied with the way it's rhymed with floor. Maybe something like, "And now there's broken glass - It's reaching out and whispering, 'you've found what you're looking for'/this is what you're looking for" etc.
And now there's broken glass
On the floor
It's like it's reaching out for me to
go to war


These are great, but perhaps you use "and" too much.
And it's tricked me that it's over.
It's tricked me that I'm free.
It's tricked me that I'm sober.
And now it's on a spree.

It told me to walk slower.
It said the war was won.
And then it called me over.
And shot me with my gun.


But it's still whispering when I'm asleep,
Cause' I can only sleep since the war.
And it's still whispering and I cannot wake,
No I cannot wake, no I cannot wake any more.


Of course, these are just suggestions. Take it or leave it as you wish.
Oh, and to answer your question, I think ''by giving me false relief'' is perfect!!