#1
a slight edit of a poem i posted yesterday:


As noone but myself, about to open the car door,
I think of you and your singing voice,
and how there's Pimp C & Bun B & Stevie
on your mixed CD from the roadtrip this spring.
I Wish that when track 8, Sir Duke, played
that I sang higher than or straight through the car roof.
Because at that country road exit, you and I
were so far from home; our friends were sleeping
in the back and maybe that's why -
I doubt it though.

Track 23 would end, then 1 would begin again
and for the 17th time I'd listen to the Jackson 5 sample
jam over 808s on H to the Izzo.
Most words were a blur so I simply swayed
with the instrumental, but to this day
I hope you heard me say how I used
to dribble down in VA
,

perhaps remove you from the dreamscape
and into the passenger seat.
Lord knows I wanted to get to know you better,
and he knows I still do.

I usually pay too much importance
to those sorts of things, but in me
is a man who finds your grace and dry humor
and taste in music to be leagues into
whatever sky we're driving under.

So then it just becomes a sky i'm writing letters to,
wondering if one day you'll kiss me.

Down my driveway into the yard the birds fly up
to the nests. Hello to my parents (a little resonance).
I put on my headphones and drown the world in synths.
Let it exist on my own terms, in my own words,
with the songs I burn on my own mix.
Between tracks I think of calling you
to tell you about a new band or something or
ask you about your night...
but there's no way you'll recognize who it is on the other side..
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
Man, I really liked this. A LOT. I can relate to it quite a bit. I wish I had the time right now to really critique it, but I think its pretty much perfect. Like I said, I wish I had more time to really get into it, but I'm in a bit of a rush right now at home.

Good work, nonetheless.
#5
i'm not sure how i feel about the first part of the poem, it seems to drag on a bit about all the songs and artists, are all of them really necessary? i like how the poem developed though, the ending was nice and there were some lines i thought were well executed. i thought there were others which were awkwardly phrased though:

"on your mixed CD from the roadtrip this spring."

this for example. it might sound nice because of the assonance, but the this spring to me sticks out and sort of cuts the train of thoughts, it sort of falls or whatever. what spring is it anyway? this past spring? i would rephrase that part.


"that I sang higher than or straight through the car roof."

this is another one. it might not be grammatically incorrect (i don't know, english is not my first language and i've never actually studied it in that sense). it almost sounds to constructed in the context of the poem, not natural.


"So then it just becomes a sky i'm writing letters to,
wondering if one day you'll kiss me."

then there's that. my problem with it is how it seems like it was the whole thing pushing the piece. when i read it i thought to myself "umm, so it seems like this is the only thing behind the poem, where did pimp c go?". also, i don't like the way it is phrased, it sounds juvenile, not concept wise since i'm sure we have all felt this before, just in the way you present the idea. i'm sure you could do better.


but yeah.