#1
I wrote this for someone who is truly amazing and is like a big brother to me. Maybe someday he'll actually hear it - haha!
Granted, it's not poetic brilliance, but it's got an awesome melody!

Hey beautiful
Tell me, do the stars shine just for you?
Does the whole world stop and stare just to watch the way you move?
I’m just sitting here smilin’, ‘cause I know
Someday you’re gonna make it
The whole world
Oh they’ll know your name
Oh they’ll know your name
Hey beautiful

Hey beautiful
Tell me, what’s it like to breathe the air you breathe?
Do the colors shine brighter when you see what you see?
I’m just sitting here smilin’, ‘cause I believe
Some girl is gonna find you
And be all that you need
Oh she’ll know your name
Oh she’ll know your name
Hey beautiful

Hey beautiful
Tell me, what’s it like when you’re all alone?
Do you ever get that uneasy feeling, fear of the unknown?
I’m just a girl prayin’ that you’ll pull through
‘Cause I know you will
No one could shine like you do
Oh I’ll always know your name
Oh I’ll always know your name
Hey beautiful
#2
Why don't you record it and post it
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

He who laughs last thinks slowest
#3
Quote by SRVBLUES01
Why don't you record it and post it

+1

I like the words, they've got a nice flow about them and there doesn't seem to be anything forced or rushed in terms of meter. It does feels at the moment like 3 choruses stuck together, might be worth putting in some verses or something...? Obviously I haven't heard it, so I'm in no position to say really!

^_^
#7
I'm sorry for the late reply, I owe you a comment, I'm sure loads of people do, you seem to be ubiquitous among the Songwriting forum.

This was very touching, definitely got an emotional connection with this. I like the nod to the persons asiprations in the first stanza, "Oh they'll know your name". After the morning I've had these words are resounding for me.

Keep it up, welcome to UG, you have a nice, easy-going talent
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#8
I can really see this as a song being sung to a loved one. There's just an atmosphere of optimism and love that surrounds the song. I enjoyed it.
BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

I SAY, I SAY, BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

They say when they finally attack, all the impostors will peel themselves. In order to tell if you have been assimilated, check for a zipper somewhere near your pelvis.


#9
This a very sweet song, with a nice sentiment behind it, and very heartfelt. I think you should record and post it too
#10
Wow. I read this a few times to soak it all in. Very nicely done. Wish someone would write a song like this for me. Post a recording when you can
#11
Quote by leilalauren

Hey beautiful
Tell me, do the stars shine just for you?
Does the whole world stop and stare just to watch the way you move?


Great piece, but the only part that starts to lose flow is here, the third line is a little long compared to the other stanzas.

Better what I can make, though.
#13
You all made my day! Thank you so much.
As a writer, once in a while you get a song that just comes out effortlessly (I wrote this in just a few minutes), and you know right then it's really something special. I've always felt that way about this song, and it means the universe to me that other people feel the same.

I am looking into recording gear right now. I have no previous experience in that area, and I want to do it right.

Yes, someday he will hear it - but not before I get it on here for y'all.
#14
Thanks for your crit, I am flattered that you enjoyed it so much. I honestly wasn't expecting so much positive feedback on that piece. I'm definitely happy to see I was mistaken.

You introduce this very humbly, but I was actually really impressed with the way you wrote this, especially the beginning lines of each verse/stanza, with the way you cleverly avoid "easy" rhymes and the poetic wording. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I felt a little disappointed at the "alone/unknown" couplet in your last stanza since that seemed like an "easy" rhyme and you'd done so well up to that point. I can certainly forgive that, though, especially because I like this so much. The repetition is fine as well, you manage it without it seeming extraneous or redundant, which is impressive considering repetition in writing doesn't usually come across that well.

I looked at a couple of your works before deciding which one to give you my return crit, and you've certainly got a very strong wistful/optimistic personality to your writing, which makes for an enjoyable read, and I'm sure an enjoyable listen as well. It feels very honest and intimate, and you absolutely nail that vibe in your writing.

I'll be looking forward to your recording of this.
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#15
I really like this
Theres a really sweet and sincere simplicity to it and just reading through the lyrics made me smile. Always a good thing
I do kind of agree with yoman297 about that 3rd line though but I totally understand that without hearing lyrics in context they can often seem out of place

I'll agree with pretty much everybody on this thread though, I would love to hear a recording of it
All the best
- Joe
#16
Very nice. I can realy see that as a nice acoustic song. Love it, dude keep writing
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If I wanted to listen to something slow, I'd play some hippie music.
#17
Simplistic, but not in a bad way at all. It feels very earnest and honest, and I'm a sucker for that kind of writing. You didn't butter it up, but you didn't just spew out the words aimlessly. This was a nice read. Good job.
#18
I really really REALLY like it! I can't think of anything to correct or improve upon, because it's so cute the way it is. (cute? that's such a lame word, i'm sorry) But yeah... I like the "know your name" thing, that's really ingenius. Keep it up.