#1
I live in this world
With nothing at all
Just a void to fall into
But I won't be falling soon
I will push along
This road to where I belong

If we believe enough
I believe there should be more than enough
In our lives for us

What if we be strong
And be what we are born
It's hard to sing along
But this song could make you strong
Just be happy

I've been torn to the bone
Got up and held on
I held on to my hope
And I'm never letting go
This road to where it begins
It's not that hard to leave the end

If we believe enough
I believe there should be more than enough
In our lives for us

What if we be strong
And be what we are born
It's hard to sing along
But this song could make you strong
Just be happy

We live to seek ourselves
Please be brave and find yourself
It'll make you
Happy

If we close our eyes
See beyond the dark
If you use your heart
To find this sense of calm
You may come across
This thing called happiness

You know you can be strong
Make white the blacks of a thousand thoughts
It's hard to find your voice
But this song could make you strong
Just be happy in a storm

Thank you
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#2
I live in this world
With nothing at all
Just a void to fall into
But I won't be falling soon
I will push along
This road to where I belong
The imagry here is a little too cliche to start with. For the introduction you need to either have more everyday imagry that everyone can absolutely feel like they are in the picture, or you need to have something that describes a different way of looking at the same thing; like if you were writing a some about toilets you could start off about how boring it is being a toilet, or about how women are always asking men to put the seat up but the women never put the seat up for men. Just something to where people don't just glance at the first stanza and thing "Oh, it's another cliche love story."

If we believe enough
I believe there should be more than enough
In our lives for us
Typically using repeating words this close together doesn't sound that good. Unless you have an absolutely fantastic way, musically, to make it seem less repeatative and have a more interesting music work I think this could work; but lyrically it could use less repeating and more of what it is about, or more importantly, more interesting analogies and metaphors and references to what this whole work is suppose to be about

What if we be strong
And be what we are born
It's hard to sing along
But this song could make you strong
Just be happy
I like the idea your talking about here. So far this is one of the better stanzas; it has a meaningful message, could use a little more imagry, and it sounds like it could fit well in a few simple melodies (which is very good.)

I've been torn to the bone
Got up and held on
I held on to my Hope "Hope" is another cliche thing that starts losing people because they live off new ideas. We've all heard the million generic "stamp-out" poetry, this needs to be changed to some sort of a metaphor that people read it to mean 'Hope' without havening to deal with reading the actual word 'Hope.'
And I'm never letting go
This road to where it begins This line doesn't make sense or flow at all with the preceding line. And previously you talked about how you are trying to get to where this road ends, now your saying where it begins?
It's not that hard to leave the end

We live to seek ourselves
Please be brave and find yourself
It'll make you
Happy
Eh, nothing against the hard work you must have put into here, but I'd say to omit this completely. This whole work has already gone on long enough and you haven't really said what it's really about; so we don't need another vague stanza that really says nothing about anything.

If we close our eyes
See beyond the dark
If you use your heart
To find this sense of calm
You may come across
This thing called happiness
Now this stanza is a very good one. I really like the you are now using personification. Bringing non-living things to life in poetry brings the non-living poem to life

You know you can be strong
Make white the blacks of a thousand thoughts
It's hard to find your voice
But this song could make you strong
Just be happy in a storm
See, I like how you are starting to use some imagry, it make everything more interesting

I don't mean to sound like a heartless critique, but I would say you could do better. This work needs a lot more interesting. What you could do, for further reference, find out what you are writing about, then find a intersting metaphor for it. Then base all of the imagry and everything off of the image of the metaphor Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


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#3
I'm a cynical jerk, so I'm not going to comment too much on the content. I know that the sentiment of "keep on keeping on, and happiness will come" works for a lot of people, even if it doesn't work for me.

As far as the language goes, I'd say that it lacks specificity. The songs that really do it for me suggest some kind of specific inciting incident or backstory- they tell me that this song was written for a very compelling and important reason, at least for the writer. This isn't to say that it has to be uber-descriptive of that incident or delve into unimportant minutiae. I'm an actor by training, and in that art, what you want is a specific action or event that triggers universal emotion. If you skip straight to the emotion you want to convey, it feels forced, vague, or formless. I feel like you're reaching for a universal emotion- something people can relate to- and that's a worthy goal. That's the whole point of art, in my opinion. But picking a specific event or memory to inspire the emotion you're going after- or going back to the original impulse if this song grew out of something like that- might help to make it sharper and stronger.

I hope that makes sense to anyone that isn't me.
#4
Haha it makes sense Vlaco :L I was trying to write a song that wasn't too gloomy... guess I ended up being a little cliche..... lolllll

Thank you for the comments!!
C4C... deal?


I am friendly, so to anyone who is reading this... don't be afraid to comment and befriend me

P.S. You can be as harsh as you want when critisising... I enjoy the truth!!