#1
I'll drown this moment in the tears we'd shed as these cities burn below us. I used to believe in glory measured in bullets, and success in the stack of papers on my desk but life happened. I am no longer the absent minded numbed by ignorance I'm drowning in this moment as these tears we've shed are rising all around me as these cities smoldering above me. I always knew my beliefs would be the death of me and with her needle in my vein I don't know if I can feel her high yet. I gate to say I told you so, but I guess I did I knew their life line would end me. I'm done drowning this moment in the tears I'm forgetting we shed as this city's ashes are swept in the winds of cleansing forever dancing with demise. WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK? most of that was actually on the spot because I couldn't remember what I actually wrote.... so yeah. Tell me what yall think
#2
Excuse the grammatical errors. It's the keypad on this Droid. Too touchy for me to edit without surgical precision
#3
for a on the spot thing its pretty good but i dont exactly know wat to take it as.. like u just wrote wat came to ur mind or was it suppose to be some sort of poetry? keep on writing though
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
Last edited by leafwhisperer at Jun 14, 2011,
#5
a lot of what i write is right on the line of poetry and songs. this was actually insppired by the acoustic version of apology by alesana. the first time i heard it i felt so emotional i had to write something. with that i cracked open the last coke in my 12, got my ibby acoustic bass, and just went at it. ill have to post my original sometime. its waaaaaay more anti climactic. anyway thats how most of my stuff is made
#6
It felt like a hodge-podge effort of tired and rehashed scene lyrics that have been going on since 2003. Can't say I was a fan of that. It was very disjointed, you couldn't seem to get any transition from thought to thought.

Some good things, though, were the glory and success lines. I really liked those a lot.
Next time, write it out on your computer, or take the time to edit. I think it's definitely hindering your art and your credibility if you always have to excuse yourself.
#7
i dont have a computer. EDIT: also its wierd you describe it as 'tired' because i wrote it at like 5 am haha.....
Last edited by ETHANEVIL at Jun 12, 2011,
#8
lrn 2 paragraph. Seriously don't go straight from your piece into just talking with out a gap. It completely ruins whatever mood the piece has.
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders