#1
I have a tapestry of Jesus facing my bed. Fyi.


I wanna smoke until my lungs start bleeding
I wanna drink until my heart stops beating
I want my head to be so cancer thick,
that even healing hands wouldn't touch that shit,

I want my hands to shake so that the razor slips,
and severs my subclavian with a good night kiss,
I want to feel warm blood run down my chest like the colorado
So I can see if the streets in heaven are really paved like el dorado

Cause the only things I fear are bees and God
since he watches from the wall every time I blow my wad
But I don't really think he cares too much nowadays
and if he does well then I guess I got nothing to say

The honest truth is I worry so much sometimes that I get sick,
it seems the butterflies and bumblebees have made their homes in my stomach,
and in the middle lives the holy ghost,
sometimes I wonder if it's rejection or Him that I fear most.
Last edited by SunsetAlphabet at Jun 13, 2011,
#2
ummmmm.......
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what specs is your pc? like how much ram?


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3 ram, nice

#5
It's an exaggeration of what I do feel. That's writing, isn't it? haha

Edit: I didn't even think it sounded that whiney. I've just been listening to a lot of Why?
Last edited by SunsetAlphabet at Jun 13, 2011,
#7
That's good. I was aiming for that. Got to evoke some kind of emotion in the apathetic masses, amirite?
#9
Oh for god's sake, stop questioning the man and look at the merit of his work


"I wanna smoke until my lungs start bleeding
I wanna drink until my heart stops beating
I want my head to be so cancer thick,
that even healing hands wouldn't touch that shit,"

I loved this, harsh, dark, set the tone perfectly, personally though, just a pacing thing, I'd have started the last like with 'Not' and changed it to 'would'
Only a minor thing there

"I want my hands to shake so that the razor slips,
and severs my subclavian with a good night kiss,
I want to feel warm blood run down my chest like the colorado
So I can see if the streets in heaven are really paved like el dorado"

This bit holds the dark tone, getting heavier :O I like it until the "el dorado" line, surely there was a better rhyming river somewhere in America?

Cause the only things I fear are bees and God
since he watches from the wall every time I blow my wad
But I don't really think he cares too much nowadays
and if he does well then I guess I got nothing to say

Really personalises the first two verses, gives more power to the suicidal imagery :p
The wording is a little.. vulgar and unfitting with the previous two "I guess I got nothing" particuarly, to a lesser extent "blow my wad". Normally, I'd never praise a piece that had ejaculation referances in the lyrics (cough cough Lil Jon & the Eastside Boys)

The honest truth is I worry so much sometimes that I get sick,
it seems the butterflies and bumblebees have made their homes in my stomach,
and in the middle lives the holy ghost,
sometimes I wonder if it's rejection or Him that I fear most.
I really, really liked the ending, 'butterflies and bumblebees" seems a little longwinded, but it still works.
Perfectly wrapped up in my opinion, the last line stuck in me head

Check out my piece, don't have to crit, I just hope it makes you smile
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1451168
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#10
El Dorado was an aztec city that was supposed to have been made entirely out of gold. I live in the south, so I wanted to reference it in the same line I brought the religious tone into the piece, so it just kind of worked out that way. The Colorado also runs near to the city I live in, just for some background info.

I'm definitely going to make that change to the first verse that you mentioned, and I'll work on the rest. Thank you so much for the crit.

Good luck, friend.
#11
This was quite an ardent read. It would have been a lot more lurid and powerful if it had more fluidity between the thoughts and imagery. At the moment it seems too raw and haphazard to really hit me where it needs.

Still, keep it up, mate. Also, can people please keep their spam comments to themselves. Unless you have something valid to say, please don't post.
#13
I'd advise to stay away from predictable rhyme schemes as they are really chaining you down. the childish nature of the piece leads me to not take it seriously (blow your wad? really?) there is way more here than you're showing. avoid cliche and let it spill out. keep it up.
#14
Quote by Sticky Tissues
I'd advise to stay away from predictable rhyme schemes as they are really chaining you down. the childish nature of the piece leads me to not take it seriously (blow your wad? really?) there is way more here than you're showing. avoid cliche and let it spill out. keep it up.



I'll keep that in mind in the future. I didn't think most people would like the line about ejaculation, but I beat off in my room, with Jesus staring me down from the wall. It's something that legitimately bothers me, but I don't want to take down Jesus, and I don't want to not beat off. Kind of plays into the poem nicely, if the wording could of just been better (I do think it's worded in a really juvenile way.). I don't want to stop doing things that feel good, but I also don't want to compromise my religious views.

So much of what I write lacks grittiness to me. I just wanted to write a piece that cut out all the bullshit, and set what I think of down in front of the reader for them to view and judge.

It needs a lot of editing, though. Thank you all for the crits, whether positive or negative. It's all constuctive, baby. It's all going to work towards making me a better writer. Sincerely, thank you.
Last edited by SunsetAlphabet at Jun 15, 2011,
#15
I've read this over a couple of days now... Its a strange one man.
I definitely like it, theres no doubt about that...

I think my only qualm is that its almost entirely unrelatable. I've never had the sort of issues you outline in this, but I can relate in the sense that I can imagine the way you felt, if that makes sense...? I don't know.

I really really really liked mixing masturbation with divine judgement, it brought of light-heartedness to a serious problem.

Well done man!
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.