#1
So i am working on a Metal song and are beginning to write lyics off the top of my head the following came out feel free to critique

Evil thoughts are
in my head
dragged to hell
and left for dead
devil's spawn
is what they said
fire burning
an endless red
taking souls to
ease the pain
tears that cry
an endless rain
these thoughts
taking over me
consumed with hate
is my destiny

(At this point I would add a bridge and chorus but for the time being 2nd verse)

fueling the fire
that feeds the rage
leaving the hate
trapt and caged
all thats left
is love & war
that is the reason
I breathe no more
walk this earth
without a purpose
once i'm gone
the pain will surface

this is where i get stuck...any suggestions are welcome
#2
I get that metal songs are all dark and evil "Oooooh scary" sorta stuff, but shouldn't there be reason to the rhyme as well? Seems to me like a collection of cliche psuedo-satanic chants with a hint of angsty poetry.

You can write rhyme for rhymes sake, but you should have a message or meaning behind it. I tend to write around it rather than weave it in where it fits :/
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#3
Hey bud,
I had your issue not to long ago and its a real easy fix. The problem your running into is lack of direction. You writing things done in free thought so what you end up with is random drivel. Would this be fine for a metal song? Yes, but it would be far from ideal.

Any type of music benefits from having intelligently written lyrics. If I were you I'd focus on the main idea of this piece, which seems to have something to do with you becoming a demonic pariah literally or metaphorically perhaps your going for not fitting in in a metal sort of way.

These are just my thoughts friend. I would be glad to read anything else you might write as I am the vocalist/lyricist for my band. Always willing to help a brudda out!

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1448495
#4
I agree with Mr.Pink. Instead of trying to create something sadistic or depressing (in my point of view), just write something close to you. I doubt anyone ever called you "devil's spawn."

As to suggestions for bridge and chorus, I can't help until you start it. I can't imagine anyone trying to help without a basis. I do recommend that you change the structure of the stanzas. Instead of the same tempo the whole way, change it every 4 lines (just an example) or divide it.

You do seem to be able to invoke a sense of anger or hopelessness, which is always good in metal.
#5
thanks for the criticism from all...after reading it back again I see where you are all coming from, will try to improve upon it and hopefully repost when its improved