#1
This isn't really poetic, but it outlines a lot for me. As always, if you comment on mine I'll always comment one of yours if you leave a link.

CRITFORCRIT ISM ISM ISM

Today,
Not for the first time,
I sat and thought about my end.

I want to die at the hands of another man.

Acceptance,
And the knowledge that
I faced death like a proud man would.

I kid myself, like most others I’ll probably leave with blind panic.

My body,
Not to be consumed
By some otherworldly tumour.

I know I ask for too much, I am powerless to resist.

Mourned,
By strangers over breakfast,
Imagining it happening to their family.

They know it will, though toast tastes better with hope.

No tombstone,
To be visited once, maybe twice
By immediate family members

Then forgotten by everyone as time goes on.

I realized
Of course it’s impossible
To choose your own fate.

I feel no better, and I probably never will.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#2
You know, I read this earlier and it didn't really inspire me. But coming back and reading again, I found it very thought-provoking. It reflects how I'm sure nearly everyone feels, but would rarely describe or admit.
I've totally been in that state of mind...perhaps not that exact topic, but definitely there. (If that makes any sense)
I like it a lot. Great job.
#3
Haha, yeah I know what you mean! This is something that I've been dwelling on for the past 4 months, and this really is a true work in progress. I just wanted to get the idea itself out there so then I can start working on it properly. But thank you
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#4
Gahhhh...where to begin...This was too easy. It was too simple to write because it's a reitteration/recreation of millions and miles of other poems. Thus, it was hard to read. It was fluent, I'll give you that, but it lacked anything that made me feel anything at all. As the one poster before said, "It reflects how everyone feels", yes, but HOW does it represent those feelings? How does it recreate those moods and seemingly endless hours and days of rumination? That's what is important. This poem states the obvious, yes, but it doesn't captivate. It doesn't connect us. Anyone can write a poem that reflects how people feel, but everyone experiences those feelings in different ways, so it is the poets job (at least, I have deemed it to be my job) to express his/her own particular feelings and how they're unique to them, the world, etc. This just seemed too little.

I've read you're other things and I liked them (most of them) very much. I only ramble'd as I did because you seem to be on your way to something/someone/someplace and I'd like to see you get there

(I will acknowledge that you said this isn't very poetic at the top and I didn't read it until after posting this)
Last edited by rushmore at Jun 15, 2011,
#5
I loved it. This isn't really a crit, and it's certainly not constructive. This is just some encouragement and acknowledgement.

I loved it.
#6
@Rushmore: Thanks man. I know what you mean about this was too easy, I thought the same too. Thats a problem of mine when it comes to writing, I can be really inconsistant. However, this was just sort of therapy for me, I've been worrying about my health for awhile now, and theres nothing wrong with me. As for the something/someone/someplace, maybe man, maybe

@Sunset: Cheers man!
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.