#1
Not sure about the title yet, but I figured I should write something aside from 'Untitled'. Anyway, this was something that I wrote yesterday. It's probably what I consider my first real lyric work and I was afraid it would come out too cheesy sounding, but tell me what you think.


Well I went in hot and I came out cold,
Something happened with you that made me so old.
And I must confess I don't even know your name,
But you never screwed up, never left me to blame.
And I hate to leave you sittin' by the phone,
But I really do hope you'd be better off alone

Oh, Will you be okay when the sun falls down?
Will you love yourself when I'm not around?

Cause you gotta know yourself you gotta know your mind
And you gotta confront all the monsters inside
Well I hope your life is like a fairy tale
And that everything works out so swell
But I know you got doubts and I know you got fears
And I know that I've left you lying there in tears

Oh, will you be okay when the sun falls down?
Will you love yourself when I'm not around?

Well the truth went up and you went down
And it was so good so I lead you around
But I didn't know how much you needed me
Oh I didn't know you didn't know how to be
Alone without anyone there
To prop you up. To hold your hair

Oh, will you be okay when the sun falls down?
Will you love yourself when I'm not around?
Last edited by Warrior47 at Jun 14, 2011,
#2
Quote by Warrior47

Well I went in hot and I came out cold,
Something happened with you that made me so old.
And I must confess I don't even know your name,
But you never screwed up, never left me to blame.

well it does look pretty cliche but more than that it isnt really "pleasing to the ears" if that makes sense. last 2 lines seem forcefully rhymed plus try using other rhyming words which arent too...obvious. i'd also suggest striking out the word 'so' in the 2nd line

And I hate to leave you sittin' by the phone,
But I really do hope you'd be better off alone

even though cliche but still pretty good

Cause you gotta know yourself you gotta know your mind
And you gotta confront all the monsters inside
Well I hope your life is like a fairy tale
And that everything works out so swell

But I know you got doubts and I know you got fears
And I know that I've left you lying there in tears

hmm... it does hav a flow but words like "fairy tale" r just ruining it soo.. i'd seriously suggest changing the lines in bold.

Well the truth went up and you went down
And it was so good so I lead you around
But I didn't know how much you needed me
Oh I didn't know you didn't know how to be
Alone without anyone there
To prop you up. To hold your hair

comparatively good than the previous verse.


its not too bad but yes heavily cliche but i've read stuff that r cliche n good aswell so thats not exactly the problem. just try making the lines shorter n using more metaphors n stuff. in any case it'll get better the more u write.

i use to write EXACTLY the same way when i first started writing lyrics n i still do at times
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
Last edited by leafwhisperer at Jun 15, 2011,
#3
Yeah, I agree about some of the wording is a little weird. One thing that I think is a little hard to understand is that the melody I have is delivered fairly fast. For instance a verse line takes around 2.5-3 seconds, which I think makes it flow a lot more than it seems to from the words. Though that's probably hindering the actual words since I/m putting the melody first and trying to fit words around it.

Thanks for the feedback. I knew that there were some fairly cliche lines, but it helps to have some of them pointed out.