#1
Wrote this about a month ago, I'd like to go back and rework it a little bit. Any feedback would be appreciated, and I'll take a look at one of your pieces.

I'm also thinking of doing a rap/spoken word recording of this.

Because the pixelated points of
the map kept blurring and
I threw my coffee at the
drainage-colored drapes
punishing them for
letting in that god forsaken sun.

And I was lost and
I had no money
and I cursed the ground that
I stood upon
because
I was without a paddle
in a sea, and its waves
crashed my ears and they
rang like a nail against
the chalkboard that I
drew naughty pictures
on.

And then I found a mermaid,
and she was real;
really real.
And you might think I'm crazy
but we fell in love and she
told me that paddles are
only a defensive mechanism
used to escape the reality
of what life is actually all
about.

And I believed her.
And I stopped looking for
paddles. And she said
look around at the beauty
you're running from.
Get out of your boat,
put your illegible hand held
map down and
stop
because you're beautiful.


And you deserve to see this.
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Jun 15, 2011,
#2
I really like the subject matter. The language and word choices are really nice. The phrasing is a little odd to me. I'm not getting how it should flow off the tongue from the line breaks. You may have a meter or way of saying it that makes it work, though. If you can say it out loud and it flows, then that's not an issue.
#3
While not a big fan of erratic and irrational structure and sentence placement (E.E.Cummings being the only one I adore), this was very interesting. I would change or remove all the "and(s)" from the beginning of the sentences. I think you'd get a bigger feeling of a personalized poem.
BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

I SAY, I SAY, BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

They say when they finally attack, all the impostors will peel themselves. In order to tell if you have been assimilated, check for a zipper somewhere near your pelvis.


#4
I have a meter for it, but it does seem very erratic and I understand why it would seem hard to do

Quote by TheTee56
While not a big fan of erratic and irrational structure and sentence placement (E.E.Cummings being the only one I adore), this was very interesting. I would change or remove all the "and(s)" from the beginning of the sentences. I think you'd get a bigger feeling of a personalized poem.



I'll see what the ands will do to the piece. I like the repetitious nature of it and I do it in a lot of poetry. I can see how it can pretty annoying though. I'm glad you enjoyed it even though it's not your cup of tea. I appreciate the read

Let me know if there are any pieces you'd like me to give a read and post them here.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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