#1
Hi everyone - this will be finger-picked over, well, some chords in some key. I'm still working on the notes but the lyrics came out mostly fully-formed. What do you think? Where is it clumsy or trite or cliched? "Everywhere" is a perfectly valid response

----

I'm sorry, dearest friend
but I've fallen in again
I'd started to climb out
but instead I've given in
to a deep dissatisfaction
and a need to go to sleep
a fundamental loathing
for the man I've come to be
awkward and unnecessary

one day maybe, one day maybe
one day when I hold your hand
it won't be a profaning grasp

I couldn't ever earn your smile
by writing a bad song or two
but you've let this sinner in to see
a paradise on earth with you
and it's obvious that things
will have to change
I've ventured nothing
and similarly gained
your colour I will only drain

one day maybe, one day maybe
one day when I hold your hand
it won't be a profaning grasp

An appetite for distant shores
and a need to get things off my chest
do not themselves a good man make
and anyone could play a tune
and move it to a different key
I guess I can't be someone else
but never think you're stuck for choices
I'll continue to be only me
but I'll be the best that I can be

one day maybe, one day maybe
one day when I hold your hand
it won't be a profaning grasp
it'll be a harmony
#2
Very touching and emotional. I enjoyed the structure and the chorus, as well as the the last line in the song. I'd recommend revising these two lines though:
"awkward and unnecessary"
-It's just floating there after the first stanza, without any real context.

""do not themselves a good man make"
-Now, I'm not a professor nor have I studied the english language thoroughly, but I am quite sure my squirming was justified. Have "make" come before "a good man."

These are my suggestions, and are only my opinions. I liked this piece very much,
BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

I SAY, I SAY, BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

They say when they finally attack, all the impostors will peel themselves. In order to tell if you have been assimilated, check for a zipper somewhere near your pelvis.


Last edited by TheTee56 at Jun 15, 2011,
#3
Quote by TheTee56
Very touching and emotional. I enjoyed the structure and the chorus, as well as the the last line in the song. I'd recommend revising these two lines though:
"awkward and unnecessary"
-It's just floating there after the first stanza, without any real context.


Agreed! More appropriate in a poetic context maybe (in a "see what I did there" kind of way), but certainly not in a song. I'll think about how to replace it.

Quote by TheTee56

""do not themselves a good man make"
-Now, I'm not a professor nor have I studied the english language thoroughly, but I am quite sure my squirming was justified. Have "make" come before "a good man."


It's a hyperbaton, but they're really a matter of taste I quite like it but there's probably a better way of expressing what it is I'm trying to get across with that line!

Quote by TheTee56
These are my suggestions, and are only my opinions. I liked this piece very much,


Thank you so much! It's really useful to get feedback, and it's the first time I've posted on this part of the forum so it means a lot
#4
A hyperbaton? Sounds intriguing...
Your welcome! I hope to see more from you.
BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

I SAY, I SAY, BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

They say when they finally attack, all the impostors will peel themselves. In order to tell if you have been assimilated, check for a zipper somewhere near your pelvis.