#1
See this world through a different lens
Is everything well ?
Or has it all gone to hell ?

Continue the march of the peasants
To a world so perfect and sweet
Where the hardest working are paid the least
Where the colour of your skin determines your seat

This is no future vision
This is no prophecy
This is the world right now
This is the world I see

The citizens have no voice
The words all die in their throat
Freedom of speech is a myth
They cant utter a single note

Don’t pray for change
Make change
Quote by Thrill-house
You like Lamb of God, so you're awesome.


Quote by Dopemgs

P.S: You like Lamb of God, so you're awesome


Quote by PsiGuy60
PS. To Conor:
You like Lamb of God, so you're awesome.
[/desperateattempttogetsigged]
#3
Quote by leilalauren
I understand what you're trying to convey....but it just comes out pretty cliche. I don't know....the rhymes work but seem forced, and the piece as a whole seems unoriginal.
But that's just my humble opinion.


And your entitled to it, thanks anyways.
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You like Lamb of God, so you're awesome.


Quote by Dopemgs

P.S: You like Lamb of God, so you're awesome


Quote by PsiGuy60
PS. To Conor:
You like Lamb of God, so you're awesome.
[/desperateattempttogetsigged]
#4
I have to agree that it was cliche, but i'm also opposed to this kind of music and writing in general. To be less biased, though:

I thought it was cliche, but spotted with really well written lines. I particularly like 'Continue the march of the peasants.' I know that was the opener and all, but it set the tone of the piece nicely, and can be intepreted in different ways (Which I love.). Is the march their physical labor? Their inability to escape their class or speak their minds? It was nice.

'Where the hardest working are paid the least
Where the colour of your skin determines your seat'

I also liked these lines a lot.


Overall not my favorite, but like I said, I'm biased. It was an enjoyable read for me, at least. I hope you keep writing, and eventually become a famous author or musician.

Keep your head up, friend.
#6
Quote by SunsetAlphabet
I have to agree that it was cliche, but i'm also opposed to this kind of music and writing in general. To be less biased, though:

I thought it was cliche, but spotted with really well written lines. I particularly like 'Continue the march of the peasants.' I know that was the opener and all, but it set the tone of the piece nicely, and can be intepreted in different ways (Which I love.). Is the march their physical labor? Their inability to escape their class or speak their minds? It was nice.

'Where the hardest working are paid the least
Where the colour of your skin determines your seat'

I also liked these lines a lot.


Overall not my favorite, but like I said, I'm biased. It was an enjoyable read for me, at least. I hope you keep writing, and eventually become a famous author or musician.

Keep your head up, friend.


Thanks for the feedback. I agree some lines arent the greatest but I couldnt think of anything else to put at times. Those two are my favourite aswell. I've had this one laying around for awhile and I actually wrote it back in 2009 so I thought I would leave it here and see what people thought.

Quote by fatkevin10
reminds me of a certain nine inch nails song


March of the pigs ?
Quote by Thrill-house
You like Lamb of God, so you're awesome.


Quote by Dopemgs

P.S: You like Lamb of God, so you're awesome


Quote by PsiGuy60
PS. To Conor:
You like Lamb of God, so you're awesome.
[/desperateattempttogetsigged]
#7
I also agree it is a little cliche, but I'm one for songs about the working-class.

Its got a couple of good lines, namely

"The citizens have no voice,
The words die in their throat"

But I'd completely scrap the repeated "This is..."
Thats the most cliche part man, and its more than a little lame.

Another thing is, if you're going to write about the state of the class system, avoid the sentiments of your last lines.

"Don't pray for change, make change"

It comes across as really shallow and silly... Because at the end of the day, you're not making any change by writing a song about how others should make a change, are you?
Its the trap of the protest song too, all words and no action.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#8
Quote by Bag'ed
I also agree it is a little cliche, but I'm one for songs about the working-class.

Its got a couple of good lines, namely

"The citizens have no voice,
The words die in their throat"

But I'd completely scrap the repeated "This is..."
Thats the most cliche part man, and its more than a little lame.

Another thing is, if you're going to write about the state of the class system, avoid the sentiments of your last lines.

"Don't pray for change, make change"

It comes across as really shallow and silly... Because at the end of the day, you're not making any change by writing a song about how others should make a change, are you?
Its the trap of the protest song too, all words and no action.


Cheers again. Didnt think I would get this many comments on my lyrics
Quote by Thrill-house
You like Lamb of God, so you're awesome.


Quote by Dopemgs

P.S: You like Lamb of God, so you're awesome


Quote by PsiGuy60
PS. To Conor:
You like Lamb of God, so you're awesome.
[/desperateattempttogetsigged]