#1
Well I'm walkin' around midnight
I'm gonna fix myself a drink
I can't seem to talk right
you know I find it hard to think

I've been trying to tell you
that everything's gonna be just fine
but I'm tired of running in circles
and there's a point where I draw the line

Don't worry, I'll be out of your hands in a while
But somebody's gonna have to make you smile

Well I'm giving the cold shoulder
to your complex new ideas
You've gotta sit down and realize
We can't function in a pool of tears

I can't breathe in a false romance
I've got to spread my wings sometime
Now I'm sitting in my blue short pants
Like I've commited some sort of crime

Don't worry, I'll be out of your hands in a while
But somebody's gonna have to make you smile

We're not ready for a quick breakup
so I'll be here when I can
You look pretty in your sweet makeup
Your new fella is a lucky man

I'm out playin' on a street corner
signin' slightly out of range
Keep your money in your back pockets
I'm just lookin' for a little change

Don't worry, I'll be out of your hands in a while
But somebody's gonna have to make you smile
(Repeat last line)
#2
I really like this poem and only have two suggestions: change "some sort of" in the last line of the fourth verse--it throws off the meter. I'd also change "back pockets" to "wallets"; I think it works a little better, slightly smoother flow, stronger imagery, etc. Other than that, well done sir.
Quote by SonOfPest
Its the Lydian mode; formed in Eastern Arabia when the Persians invaded England.


Quote by Blind In 1 Ear
try the sexolydian scale.
#4
Quote by jwd724
I really like this poem and only have two suggestions: change "some sort of" in the last line of the fourth verse--it throws off the meter. I'd also change "back pockets" to "wallets"; I think it works a little better, slightly smoother flow, stronger imagery, etc. Other than that, well done sir.


Why thankyou jwd724, I'm glad you liked it.

Those weak lines you mentioned will probably be sorted out before our next band rehearsal.
Last edited by Alkaline 64 at Jun 17, 2011,
#5
The conflicting caring/flippant tone here is intriguing for me. These three stanzas especially convey that:
I've been trying to tell you
that everything's gonna be just fine
but I'm tired of running in circles
and there's a point where I draw the line


We're not ready for a quick breakup
so I'll be here when I can
You look pretty in your sweet makeup
Your new fella is a lucky man

I'm out playin' on a street corner
signin' slightly out of range
Keep your money in your back pockets
I'm just lookin' for a little change

I enjoyed it a lot, and I think the two-line chorus was really effective. Nice work!