#1
This is a song, not a poem! Musically i'm getting a sort of Joy Division vibe from it.
CRIT4CRIT ISM ISM ISM


Expertly crafted, expertly placed
To cull the flock, get us on our way.
Too many people, too little space
We're easily removed, and easily replaced.

We're just trained to be hired
Never respected and never admired
All the while, its been conspired
To thin the crowd with a virus

Mass murder continues on in silence
Masked men still hide behind the scenes
On the world stage, on our TV screens
"Give us money to fight this disease!"

They've taken your fingers, you can't point the blame
But carry on, carry on, like all is the same.
After all, theres much left unexplained
Their task is complete, the wild have been tamed.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
Last edited by Bag'ed at Jun 24, 2011,
#2
To be frank, I'm not sure on the imagery here. Its a good idea that still needs work. You seem to be all over the place with your ideas and are sacrificing what you are trying to say for the rhyming scheme. The rhyming scheme itself is a tad awkward and the rhythm falters in places like:
"We're trained to be hired
Gather rocks, to build their empire"

The first line works but the 2nd is too wordy to fit right.

Once again chap, good start just needs some revision.

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=27440658#post27440658
#3
Quote by Bag'ed
This is a song, not a poem! Musically i'm getting a sort of Joy Division vibe from it.
CRIT4CRIT ISM ISM ISM


Expertly crafted, expertly placed
To cull the flock, get us on our way.
Too many people, too little space
Clever plans executed without a trace.
Pretty good intro. Sets the stage nicely. Obviously, we're talking about a dystopian world (though by your avatar, I'm guessing this is about the world today ).

We're trained to be hired
Gather rocks, to build their empire
At the same time they've conspired
To thin the crowd with a virus
The second line is a bit awkward in terms of flow. I'd expand the contraction and add the word "just" immediately before "trained". Not only does it flow better, but it emphasizes what you're trying to say, IMO.

Mass murder continues on in silence
Masked men still hide behind the scenes
On the world stage, on our TV screens
"Give us money to fight this disease!"
I like it a lot. It also happens to be a pretty apt description of what happens today.

They've taken your fingers, you can't point the blame
Pick up your arms, you're in on the game!
There can be no hesitation if you wish to remain
Never mind, go home, your bed is still the same.
I love the sardonic tone of the last line. It perfectly captures the laziness who those who prefer inaction in a world that screams for change.


There ya go Nice piece that mocks the populace and those who control the populace. I like that it's a more concise piece, and while I believe that brevity is the soul of wit, I would expand on the drone aspect that I believe the last line hints towards. I think it would fit well with the context of the piece.

Regardless, nice job
#4
Thanks for the comments you two.
I would like some help though!

If anyone can suggest an alternative line to "Gather rocks to build their empire" then I'd be "super-stoked mayn".
Any efforts are highly appreciated so, come on, don't be shy.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#5
Hi. I'm new here. Forgive me if I'm callous.

Stanza one:
The first line implies the exertion of control over cancer. This at once calls to mind the dichotomy that humanity is both capable of curing every modern woe while at the same time keeping in mind the bottom line. "We can take a raw, malleable specimen of cancer and ensure a fountain of income if we give it to the right people." Perhaps "Cancer Farming" would be a more apt title? And about culling the flock to ensure swift workings... For what purpose? Are those targeted the ones susceptible to cancer? So if you're likely to get cancer and can't justify your existence, you die, but not after paying for pharmaceutical companies to put you up as a poster boy/girl first as proof that they're trying? The next line works for anyone who's worked or lived in an urban environment, and while the sentiment is over-used, it's still true. No complaints there. But "executed without a trace?" If that were the case, then nobody would be able to catch on. Maybe "with nary but the scantest trace" would be more feasible.

Stanza two:
Here, you take issue with being a pawn, as any self-aware pawn does. That's fine. Complaining about manipulation comes with the knowledge that you're subservient. I applaud you for not being ham-fisted about it. I'll echo trueamerican and say the second line is stuffed. My suggestion: "Gather rocks, build empires." That divides the stanza into two shorter lines followed by two longer ones, instead of his more normalized alteration. That's a stylistic choice, I guess. A factual error arises in your description here as cancer being a virus, but then referring to it as a disease. Cancer is a disease, meaning it's present or it's not. It doesn't flare up as it pleases like a virus (thank you for clarifying that, herpes ads). Though a virus may cause cancer, cancer itself is a disease. Of course, if you're saying some powerful entity gives people cancer as is its fashion, feel free. Certainly, some people would then say God is the biggest virus there is. Whatevsies.

Stanza three:
I take issue with "mass murder." It's too accusatory. It's like saying everyone in the medical profession has a vendetta against all patients, relying on them to pay student loans and enable drug companies to flourish. I mean, doctors are by trade "masked men." I agree with you that "Give us money" is a hollow sentiment, and the zombifying medium of television is sometimes an inappropriate venue for soliciting charity.

Stanza the last:
Bravo on the first line. Bravo. "Want to complain? Then go back to the days of polio or the black plague. Hell, go ahead and die of syphilis or even diarrhea." The problem of the proceeding lines is that they're sequentially ill-advised. Without fingers, how can you be specific? You're stuck bashing things with your arms. The word choice points to desperation. "Can't intricately fix things? Bludgeon, bludgeon, bludgeon."


All in all, this sounds like a typical "I'm privy to what you're peddling"/'Why is everyone so blind?"/conspiracy piece. There's nothing wrong with that, but thought pieces work better than accusatory diatribes. The snide ending reminds me of Phil Ochs... Oh well. At least you're thinking. Be well.
I am a fake mountain.
#6
Man, thank you very much for taking the time to look so exstensively into this!

Admittedly, it isn't one of the better songs I've written. The first verse just floated into my head so I kind of forced the rest.

A note on a couple of things though;

1. This wasn't really supposed to be that serious. I was watching V for Vendetta and I fell in love with the idea of the government planting an illness amongst the populace. It was more sort of a "Hey man, what if...?" song rather than "THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW, OPEN YOUR EYES FELLOW CATTLESMEN". But I can certainly see why it would be taken seriously.

2. Mistakenly using the word virus... I know its wrong. But for the purpose of the song, I think the technicalities of referring to an illness doesn't matter much.

3. The mass murder line is accusatory but not to people in the medical proffession. Its towards the perpetrators of the conspiracy.

4. I have no idea who Phil Ochs is. I suppose I'll have to look the man up. From the way you referenced him though, I probably won't enjoy myself.

Anyway! If you have anything you'd like me to look over then please link me it. From the way you crit I'm going in with expectations sir, all of them good.

Again, thank you for your time and for being so comprehensive. Its very, very helpful.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#7
Heyo. I was just going off what was made available, so sorry for misintepreting some parts.

Phil Ochs was a folk/protest/topical singer-songwriter in the golden age of the American cultural revolution half a century ago. He was never as enduringly popular as, say, Bob Dylan, but he wrote some biting songs, such as "Here's To The State Of Mississippi," "Love Me, I'm A Liberal," and "I'm Not Marching Anymore."

I'll post something on here once my head gets the cogs in motion again. I haven't written a song in over a year. Thanks for appreciating the crit. I'll let you know when I get something up.
I am a fake mountain.
#8
I HATE the new line. You obviously used that line for the rhyme, because it doesn't fit in with the verse at all.

Instead, I'd probably say something like "Minds molded, can't see everything is dire." It's very rough obviously, but it fits in MUCH better with the verse as a whole and still rhymes.
#9
Expertly crafted, expertly placed
To cull the flock, get us on our way.
Too many people, too little space
Clever plans executed without a trace.


the last line of this is too wordy, interrupts the flow, maybe get rid of clever or change executed with something shorter


We're just trained to be hired
And you have no idea what transpired
At the same time they've conspired
To thin the crowd with a virus


again the last line isn't as strong as the others, breaks from the flow


Mass murder continues on in silence
Masked men still hide behind the scenes
On the world stage, on our TV screens
"Give us money to fight this disease!"

I like the idea behind this, like it's a planned incident blamed on a disease to make money and get rid of the population, pure evil


They've taken your fingers, you can't point the blame
Pick up your arms, you're in on the game!
There can be no hesitation if you wish to remain
Never mind, go home, your bed is still the same.


I like this last part, sounds like it's building a revolution but the last line isn't too great again



By the way is this about the new world order or something? sounds like the kind of theme, getting rid of the population and all...i like, keep it up.
#10
Quote by trueamerican
I HATE the new line. You obviously used that line for the rhyme, because it doesn't fit in with the verse at all.

Instead, I'd probably say something like "Minds molded, can't see everything is dire." It's very rough obviously, but it fits in MUCH better with the verse as a whole and still rhymes.


I hate the new line too. I don't like this song anymore! Its supposed to be throwaway and easy. That line is really difficult man.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#11
I like the song, dont give up! but there is a certain vibe that it was forced... polish it up and it'll be a gem. love the "f the government" feel of it. fix the new line!
#12
EDITED... Again. I'll keep trying. I think this is getting better though.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#15
I apologize, Bag'ed for not critting this piece sooner. I've read it numerous times, and have been following the discussion, but I feel a bit at a loss to lend any insightful comments here.
This sort of hypothetical conspiracy piece is really out of my creative sphere. I applaud your hard work, and hope to be of service next time.
Blessings.
#16
Quote by Bag'ed
This is a song, not a poem! Musically i'm getting a sort of Joy Division vibe from it.
CRIT4CRIT ISM ISM ISM


Expertly crafted, expertly placed
To cull the flock, get us on our way.
Too many people, too little space
We're easily removed, and easily replaced.

We're just trained to be hired
Never respected and never admired
All the while, its been conspired
To thin the crowd with a virus

Mass murder continues on in silence
Masked men still hide behind the scenes
On the world stage, on our TV screens
"Give us money to fight this disease!"

They've taken your fingers, you can't point the blame
But carry on, carry on, like all is the same.
After all, theres much left unexplained
Their task is complete, the wild have been tamed.


Hey sam. Very clever ideas which is what I would expect from you. And as we made an agreement that I would be brutally honest with you, I am guna be. This is actuially sick and we still need a jam. Its been farrrrrr too long! Love you you bag'eddddddd!! Xx