#1
This is a song I wrote OTS. It's a true story. C4C.

I just got the news today.
My great uncle's life
has slipped away,
and tragic as that is,
there's something more amiss
I really just don't give two shits.

Now don't get me wrong,
every death is regrettable;
but I only met him once or twice,
though he seemed perfectly nice.
But does he really count as family?

And yet even if he does,
does it really matter?
What makes family count at all?
He was never there for me;
I never needed him at all.
Should I love a stranger?
Should I have cried when I got the call?
I don't really think so,
but I don't really know.

But society says
that blood is thicker than water,
while all I see is it leaves a bigger mess.
So for my own sake, I'll just play pretend,
and eulogize about a man I never knew.

*Note: I'm thinking about changing "bigger mess" to "larger stain." Opinions?
#2
wtf it sounds like my story......totally.
coming back to the topic its really well written, i liked it alot. sry, no crit for this piece its almost perfect. keep on writing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#3
When it comes to poetry or songs, profanity is not a good way to express one's feelings. Try replacing it cleaner words. Other than that, there's nothing really wrong with the piece.
BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

I SAY, I SAY, BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

They say when they finally attack, all the impostors will peel themselves. In order to tell if you have been assimilated, check for a zipper somewhere near your pelvis.


#4
Quote by TheTee56
When it comes to poetry or songs, profanity is not a good way to express one's feelings. Try replacing it cleaner words. Other than that, there's nothing really wrong with the piece.


I disagree. I have problems with profanity being used in songs, within reason and context. Of course I don't want over the top "I motherf*cka get the C*nting c*nt all the sh*tting time" but one or two is fine. Sometimes even good.

The context it is used in here is good, works well with the voice of the song.

That aside, I really liked this man. I felt like this for ages, its nice to see it in words.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#5
Thanks guy, it means a lot. Especially that I'm not the only one who feels like this

I'm not one to use profanity in my songs. I think it tends to come across as immature when used too much, but profanity is simply another tool in a writer's arsenal that can be utilized for emphasis. And that's what I tried to do

But what do you guys think about "bigger mess" vs. "larger stain"?
#6
This is really well-written. I'd need to hear it to comment on the flow because I can't really seem to find a flow in the written words.

As for the "bigger mess" or "larger stain" thing, it could go either way. "Mess" evokes a sense of chaos and something needing to be cleaned up or fixed. "Stain" makes me think of something more permanent, such as emotional scars or strong memories.

From a purely aesthetic perspective, I prefer the sound of "bigger mess" but as I said, it depends on what meaning you're trying to evoke.

And I can totally relate to this. I never cried over the death of my grandmother. I didn't even feel sad that she passed away.
#7
Quote by TheTee56
When it comes to poetry or songs, profanity is not a good way to express one's feelings. Try replacing it cleaner words. Other than that, there's nothing really wrong with the piece.


Misused profanity is detrimental. It can be used effectively and add a lot to the piece.
#8
Yeah there is nothing wrong with profanity, it's all just words.

Anyway, I like the last part a lot. Otherwise it sounds like a rant.
#9
Well, it kind of is a rant in a way, just more of a detached one. It's a song about how I didn't feel sad that a relative of mine passed away, and how if you think about it, there's no reason I should. Except society says that families are really important, and I should be upset. And to not be upset is to rebel against the societal institution of family. So I chose to pretend to care, so as not to be looked upon as a heartless freak.
#10
Quote by Winter Sky
This is really well-written. I'd need to hear it to comment on the flow because I can't really seem to find a flow in the written words.

As for the "bigger mess" or "larger stain" thing, it could go either way. "Mess" evokes a sense of chaos and something needing to be cleaned up or fixed. "Stain" makes me think of something more permanent, such as emotional scars or strong memories.

From a purely aesthetic perspective, I prefer the sound of "bigger mess" but as I said, it depends on what meaning you're trying to evoke.

And I can totally relate to this. I never cried over the death of my grandmother. I didn't even feel sad that she passed away.


Yeah, the melody is the flow. I gotta tell you, "family" can be a pain in the ass to have to use a lot, because it's three syllables and doesn't look it.

And that's exactly what I was thinking by the mess vs. stain. Because I mean both. But I don't want to put both in the song
#11
Loved it, really did. Maybe it's because I can perfectly relate to it, or maybe it's because of the imagery you used in the last paragraph.
Also I agree that you should change 'bigger mess' to 'larger stain', because it seems to complement the two previous lines.
Other than that, it's great!

AEDIT: Also about the profanity, I don't really agree about it not being usable in poetry or lyrics.
Great guy once said, " '****' is a poetic form of expression for the unsay-able soul"
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Jun 19, 2011,
#12
I liked this too, the ambivalence in the piece feels very honest and relatable, so it leaves a strong impression. And personally, I would keep it as "bigger mess," that just feels more natural and less awkward to me, and I also loved that line when I read it.

I didn't know you wrote, but if this is any indication of how you write, I can't wait to see more from you. Hopefully in better circumstances, though.

Edit: And "mess" can rhyme loosely with "says" from the earlier line, which makes for a more pleasant flow, I think. Whereas "stain" would be kind of a surprising contrast. But any which way, it's your piece, so whatever you end up feeling is best.
Last edited by RaysGotThis at Jun 19, 2011,
#14
Yeah, mess does kind of work better in that way, which is why I used it originally, but I like the concept of the stain as well. Ah, **** it, you can't have everything

I think I'm going to leave it the way it is.

Thanks guys