#1
I thought you’d loved me
I thought you’d care, I guess I miss understood
Now I don‘t feel so good!
I can’t understand how you loved me and suddenly you don’t
It’s not logical, so will I believe you when you say, you really did love me? , no I won’t
Now everything is going wrong
And suddenly I don’t feel so Strong...
I’m sorry for the times that I blew it, but I don’t think I deserved it to be hurt the way you did.
So what will happen now?
Are we friends or are we not?
You want us to be
But I don’t think that’s really smart
It hurts too much, you have no idea
You forgot me already but I can’t!
I love you and I hate that fact, but I can’t change it,
You have stolen my heart, and you won’t give it back!

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Please tell me what you guys think of it
#2
You have stolen my heart, and you won’t give it back!

Tell me about it.

But really, I think you've got some really honest stuff here. Is it good lyric material? Not so much. However I think you're on the right track.
Think about your objectives. What are you trying to do here?

Make your audience identify with you? (you've got that down. relevance is important)
Tell a story?
Make a point?
Create a feeling?
Play a character?
etc...

Keeping your objective(s) in mind will make your writing more interesting and concise. I encourage you to incorporate more metaphors and allusions into your writing, and worry less about the rhyme.

The cold hard truth is, anyone could write this. As an effective writer, you want to convey your idea in a way no one else has. Make this your own. It's your story isn't it?

Please understand I'm NOT trying to be a jerk. I want to be as helpful as possible here because I see potential. You've got the emotion it takes, you just need to sharpen your skills - keep writing!
Last edited by leilalauren at Jun 18, 2011,
#3
leila put it nicely. I really think you gotta scrap this whole thing and start over man. I feel for your subject matter, I think we've all been there at one point but this won't translate well into a song. Some of your phrasing is real awkward just in reading it, singing would magnify the problems. Like leila said, metaphors, allusions, similes these are all literary devices that will help strengthen your writing if used properly. Emotion is a great thing to put into a piece, but for some reason I get the vibe that you wrote this shortly after it happened and have let them get the best of you. Keep on working, and spend some serious time on a piece if it means a lot to you. Don't be afraid to bust out a dictionary or thesaurus to help beef it up some. Keep on writing!
#4
To build on what leilalauren wrote...

The issue with the piece isn't that the emotion isn't honest. And I like that you've chosen a subject that a lot of people can relate to. The problem is that it lacks specificity.

I'm going to assume that this is about something, or rather, someone, that actually happened to you. I know I've had a similar experience, and I bet a lot of other folks here have too. And it's cathartic to hear that someone else has been through what you have, but what makes it honest and interesting is the details... the small things that pack huge meaning. Go back to what it felt like to be in that situation- what are the things that stick out in your memory? Something that was said, a location, a big event? If there's something specific, use it. Focus on the actions and events that created the emotion that this song grew out of, and that will evoke that emotion in the listener far stronger than simply describing the emotion.

I'm not advising you to dive into unimportant minutiae or write something only you would understand, but just to tell the reader more about what you experienced rather than just how you felt about it.
#5
Sometimes being blunt and saying things exactly how you feel them works, but with subject material as common as a broken heart, it doesn't always. Here, I feel like the lines
I can’t understand how you loved me and suddenly you don’t

Are we friends or are we not?

(most of it honestly) just don't work. They leave nothing up to the imagination. You're telling me you're hurt, but I don't feel it.

I loved how personal it was, which shows potential. It's good when writers can express themselves with no walls. Like leilalauren said, try using metaphors, anecdotes, allusions, repetition.

Keep at it, this could be a cool and fun piece with some work. Good luck!
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