#1
hai guyz wat do you think of thees lyrics

Judge My Lyrics...

Bad War
It blows through the angles of infrastructures and bodies,
Skin started to shiver and the eyes were blewed,
Fool’s gold in your teeth and cemetery hips,
Way inside of your graveyard lips,
Kissing the ground where the soil and bombs were found,
And we all fall down!
-------------------
I got the secret
The key to the night
There's a lot of holy water boiling
It makes the air feel right

There's a fallen angle, no longer wearing white,
feeling uptight.
He's blurred wrong from right can't find his way through the foggy night,
Groggy and always feeling afright,
It's will is starting to become useless from the fading of his might

---------------------
Yes I know the sun don't love you,
it left your skin dry
---------------------
Winter, it only comes one time a year, so why don't you sit back and have a bear, I'm only holding back tears.
And a bleeding mary will only do, and I'm standing here getting sued, and the water is polluted


edit:
I guess I will call it one piece, just think of it as a kind of a stream of consciousness thing.

I have edited it to follow community guidelines

Mods-I've tried to change the title of my thread but it doesn't save the changes, I'll name it Judge My Lyrics in the meantime.
Last edited by yoyoyoitcool at Jun 18, 2011,
#2
Are these all different pieces?

I like where you're going with most of them, they just feel like random thoughts still. They need some kind of cohesiveness that links each line in my opinion. And that's judging by the first stanza alone.
#3
Overall I like to write obscurely.

But thank you for your critique.


Btw, be completely honest, you can be as critical as you want.

edit: i will consider it one piece....
Last edited by yoyoyoitcool at Jun 18, 2011,
#4
Tip: if you want people on here to take you seriously and give you constructive criticism, then please don't say stuff like, "hai guyz wat do you think of thees lyrics."
If you don't take the time to use proper spelling, others won't take the time to help you.
#5
Quote by leilalauren
Tip: if you want people on here to take you seriously and give you constructive criticism, then please don't say stuff like, "hai guyz wat do you think of thees lyrics."
If you don't take the time to use proper spelling, others won't take the time to help you.


What? The misspelling is obviously on purpose.

But can you please give me constructive criticism? That would help me a lot.
#6
It makes it almost more annoying that it's on purpose.

Chill out with the gromming for attention.

You're only allowed to post one poem/set of lyrics at a time, and don't give it a title begging for views. Just name it whatever its called. The best way to get constructive criticism for your piece is to give a critique of others. Not just, "hey this was good," either. Then if you'd like you can politely ask if they wouldn't mind checking out some of your stuff and leave a link.

And the guideline is for every piece you post, you should critique at least three others. That's what keeps this forum alive and moving.
#7
I tried to change the title but it won't save, and I did critique 3 other people's lyrics