#1
lately, i have faltered
everything unknown
forsaking my own father
focusing on dome

last night, i was altered
the light of, life had shone
behind cold, eyes of darkness
i had been, all alone

i never lived my life in the land of the living
i was dead inside my head
but when i met you, something grew in me leading
me to know love once again

now i, feel so empty
a black hole, on my own
inside me, i'm so cold since
you ran out, on your own

i live life, on the sideline
dreaming, but nothing done
while pity, was my driver
and hatred, my own son

i never lived my life in the land of the living
i was dead inside my head
but when i met you something grew in me leading
me to know love once again

-----------

c4c?
#2
Very tragic, that's always an interesting story. You might have over done it in my opinion, but that's not something anyone can fix. :P
One line that bothers me is: "focusing on dome"
It's empty linguistically and descriptively. You need either "a" or "the" before dome, and then..what does that mean? Which dome?
BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

I SAY, I SAY, BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

They say when they finally attack, all the impostors will peel themselves. In order to tell if you have been assimilated, check for a zipper somewhere near your pelvis.


#4
Quite a tragic piece... and that is why I love it

Do you mean focusing on 'a' dome? That's about the only flaw around, otherwise great!
C4C... deal?


I am friendly, so to anyone who is reading this... don't be afraid to comment and befriend me

P.S. You can be as harsh as you want when critisising... I enjoy the truth!!
#5
i write what i know, and there's not much happy going on right now -__-

that line bugs me too. it doesn't fit in at all. I didn't pay it any mind at first when writing because i would have lost the moment i was in. Now that i'm done i find that i'm just overwhelmed with too many potential substitute lines so I'm working on what i think is the best.

thanks a lot for the reviews
#6
oh and dome = getting head. it made sense in my mind but i can see how nobody else would get it especially since its out of context.