#1
this is not a beautifully crafted poem. but it was written on the spot (most as a freestyle). recorded and roughly mixed, up on youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cYWmC5QRaU


Gushwa was arrested for chronic possession
of affairs in his office with the over weight secretary
married and the district attorney
for the swinger culture down in umatilla county
when the news /broke the minuscus/ of the law office
unglued to martial law/ the angel of justice we saw
was blue and red and white
oh my little miss america be mine tonight
under the search spotlight
a domestic fight and when the cops broke in
coke executives private flight paths blocked
to the high school news paper reporter
(report this)
extra extra read all about it
but only report exactly what they tell you
its heresay they sue you
for copywrite infringment
no one is in it for anything but to win it
but the trophy's on fire in a locked furnace
and you're tied to a chair watching it turn back to liquid gold
lean back take note of how much slack you have
(its never enough)
so you burn yourself like an infant discovering
the stove
for the first time
for the last time
learn that trapped feeling is your most perfect design
little jimmy got a soul like an iranian gambler bearing witness to where the devil sits
little jimmy dare to
(report this)
caste system untouchables
(thats not what we are)
we're just caught in the middle
(no we're part and parcel)
of the systems that surround
orbits we never see
cut the ground the lazyboy sony
sonny
we're the culture with everything
(feel free to prod and grab)
feed the pyramid scheme
(hang when you finish draggin the slab)
record the results
(this is the science of suits)
politics and government
life changing youth giving way to
how will i pay my rent
Gushwa was arrested for chronic possession
on the same day our nation was arrested for our love of infinite nothing
touching aint it
(report this)
#2
I wish I could write like you, I strive to be a good spoken word poet. This was wonderful.
"we're the culture with everything" - I think that could flow better if you changed everything to "it all" or something like that. Just seems like the line is all quick monosyllable words, and then caught me off guard reading it. Not a big deal though, I loved it nonetheless.

EDIT:
so you burn yourself like an infant discovering
the stove
for the first time
for the last time
learn that trapped feeling is your most perfect design

And that's probably my favorite part after reading it a couple times.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Jun 18, 2011,
#5
Dig your free-wheelin' style, man. Yeah, but I don't feel like I can critique a happening, you know?

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Jun 18, 2011,
#6
A little cliche, angsty, and corny. But you are freestyling so the coherency of it is impressive.
#7
Quote by Bleed Away
Before I critique this... R-Truth?


you are the best ever. haha, sometimes i like to hide secret (or not so secret) wrestling references in songs and poems. you'd be appaled by how many chris benoit references ive made that no one has ever caught.


and yeah, started as a freestyle, worked it into the song, recording not the same as the lyrics but oh well.

thank you all for reading, guess im not looking for a formal critique but more just to share