#1
A poetry piece by a member of my band... she wants critisism so she told me to post it up... enjoy!

The sinister black heart’s got the better of me
After I justified my fortitude for retribution
My heart seemed so forlorn
Its silent rooms were filled with haunting fears;
Now, their very memory comes
Swindled with tender tears.

As I lay here untouched,
With a desire to let my hatred go,
Another friend slain
And you showing no sorrow
After that, my pain
Will never be truly healed,
No, you cannot see them,
My emotional scars are sealed.

You will not be my demise,
I will uplift my spirit,
And win to your surprise.
The thorns of the rose
Will coil around your heart
From the solemn losses I have sustained
I knew I’d win from the start
My emotions flow with loathing,
And death you will meet;

And blood spilt on the stem glistens
That cannot defy: vengeance is sweet.
C4C... deal?


I am friendly, so to anyone who is reading this... don't be afraid to comment and befriend me

P.S. You can be as harsh as you want when critisising... I enjoy the truth!!
#2
Very good. The gloominess was a little over bearing, but that's just for me. I'd recommend removing the "and" in the final stanza.
BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

I SAY, I SAY, BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

They say when they finally attack, all the impostors will peel themselves. In order to tell if you have been assimilated, check for a zipper somewhere near your pelvis.


#3
The sinister black heart’s got the better of me
After I justified my fortitude for retribution I would suggest changing this to retribution fortitude. Not that what you have written sounds bad, it's just to me this flows better.
My heart seemed so forlorn Again what you have written sounds good, but a little boost in vocabulary could help. Try more intersting sounding words like, inconsolable or desolate or something that really brings the reader into the story even more so than just simple generic vocabulary. (Of course keep the vocabulary simple enough that people understand it and don't have to pick up a dictionary every time they want to read your peices.)
Its silent rooms were filled with haunting fears;
Now, their very memory comes
Swindled with tender tears.
Typically I don't care for rhyming too much, and this last line, and maybe even the one before as well, sounds a little too forced; almost like you were getting to the end of the stanza and you just forced something to finish it rather than thinking for someway to make it flow more fluently. Like something about vagabond memories with something about a drifter, or a homeless man wandering through a valley or something. I'm sure you can think of something intersting to write

As I lay here untouched, Here I think it would sound better if you would change this to Untouched as I lie here. That would just sound better to me
With a desire to let my hatred go, This line could us a little help from somewhere. I'm not sure what entirely wrong with it, just that it could sound better
Another friend slain For the preceding line you could change it to be something about how your hatred go uncontrollably ballistic. And this line is about how you are really sorry. That's just my opinion
And you showing no sorrow
After that, my pain
Will never be truly healed,
No, you cannot see them,
My emotional scars are sealed.
These last five lines seem random and out of place. Try replacing them with some imagry about you are locked inside your grievous heart, or something that makes the reader feel like they are part of the story. I would also include some imagry in there that also allude to something a little more pleasant as well (while still not seeming randomly placed.) Just so then people can see that the narrator is not completely lost, that there are some blue skys under sullen wings of rain. Just suggesting

You will not be my demise,
I will uplift my spirit, This seems to me a little direct, but I think here that might sound good. It also reminds me of an old bluegrass song I heard a while ago called 'King Ebeneezer.' It's about how this regular guy thinks he's the king of the world, and there is a line in there that says "Nothing in this whole wide world will ever get me so far down that I can't get right back up." Not very poetically written but I like that line, and you lines have a similar feel I think
And win to your surprise. This line doen't flow right at all, I would suggest that you would change it
The thorns of the rose
Will coil around your heart
From the solemn losses I have sustained
I knew I’d win from the start
My emotions flow with loathing,
And death you will meet;
Again I would suggest that you could add a little more imagry to the peice. It seems dark, but there is no picture to make me feel like I am in the darkness with you.

And blood spilt on the stem glistens
That cannot defy: vengeance is sweet.
Nice ending, I like that

This peice was and intersting read, but like I said it could use more imagry about the surroundings or something. I would suggest an excersice that you could do as often as you can; you should go and walk around where you live, whether it is in the city, or the country side or where ever and just walk around. Then go through your mind and describe everything you see to the imaginary blind man beside you. Describe all of the sounds and the colours and everything you see, hear, feel, taste, smell, everything. Then after some time of doing this, you will see that you see more, hear more, feel more, tast more, smell more, etc; and your description of imagry will be much more enhanced and you will be able to write an image everyone can see Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#4
Thank you for the suggestions! ^_^
C4C... deal?


I am friendly, so to anyone who is reading this... don't be afraid to comment and befriend me

P.S. You can be as harsh as you want when critisising... I enjoy the truth!!