#1
Here we are again my friend, it's just us now
I made sure your children fled
Neither of us want them here, to be caught up;
Burnt as you now age again

Myself?
I've been here from the start
Trapped in orbit around you
I guess it was meant to be like this...

Skin twists and folds
Lumps and blisters appear
Enflamed and ready to burst
Hot gas erupts hap-hazardly
The same figure stands
Horridly disfigured


You were never one to simply fade away
Always planned on leaving with a bang
What a way to take the cake and eat it
One last kiss would be nice
Hm, your lips are still warm

Goodnight, sweet friend.


This is the penultimate piece of my little series. I can't wait to see how the last piece comes together but thats all in good time. C4C and all that jazz.

Previous pieces:
Protostar
Main Sequence Phase
Red Super Giant
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
Last edited by 剣 斧 血 at Jun 19, 2011,
#2
Quote by 剣 斧 血
Here we are again my friend, it's just us now
I made sure your children fled
Neither of us want them here, to be caught up;
Burnt as you now age again

Nothing wrong with this at all, the lack of rhyming works for me and I especially liked the last line. Good job.


Myself?
I've been here from the start
Trapped in orbit around you
I guess it was meant to be like this...

Great answer! Can't see anything wrong here either.

Skin twists and folds
Lumps and blisters appear
Enflamed and ready to burst
Hot gas erupts hap-hazardly
The same figure stands
Horridly disfigured


This is where everything gets a little too intense. I like the imagery in the first two lines, but the "horridly disfigured" seems like it could be better suited in a black metal song.

Unless that's what your going for, it seems a little abject.


You were never one to simply fade away
Always planned on leaving with a bang
What a way to take the cake and eat it
One last kiss would be nice
Hm, your lips are still warm

Goodnight, sweet friend.

The line "to take the cake and eat it" dosen't sit too well with me, I would suggest changing that to something more direct. Everything up to that was pretty good though. The last two lines of the last stanza are okay if not a little disturbing, but the last line "Goodnight, sweet friend." I thought wrapped up the piece quite well.


Overall I thought it was a little too ambitious, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Keep writing, and let me know when you've recorded it. It would be nice to hear how it all sounds. C4C?
#3
Thanks for the crit. Its not really a song, its kind of a small story set into stanzas, guess that it could be consider a from of poetry When I'm finished the little series I'll go over all them and re-write bits maybe even form it together to make one long piece if I feel it can be done, I'll definitely keep your crit in mind.
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
#4
I just don't understand this at all, tbh

I read it a few times, too. You said this is part of a series, so maybe I'd have to read the others, but I don't understand any of this. Sorry for the lame crit
#5
Its a little series based on the names of the life sequence of stars I'll put a links up to previous parts in this and the new one I think
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders