#1
Hey, this is my first time here so go easy on me
I did this in 5 mins so I'm sorry if it's really badly structured, I've never tried writing seriously before.
These aren't really lyrics or poetry, but I'm gonna be adding them to a song (kind of like a monologue) I'm not sure what it is, so you be the judge
Here it is:

"Those sleepless nights, staying up with the company of your imagination. Pacing and writing, erasing and tearing up.
Well now the dawn is here, and again we stand completely unprepared. Wandering aimlessly, through the course of every hour.
We used to hate...it was complete misanthropy. Getting lost in streets, foggy nights then painful and unwanted mornings.
We used to wonder what life would have been like with all dreams turned into reality, till one day you sat up and told me to head to the snowy top.
Then there came the hard work, pain and insomnia, but we couldn't get less of a shit. Pain and loneliness were merely obstacles keeping us away from the finish line.
Well now we sit here, counting the obstacles ahead.
Waiting...wishing."
#2
Good! But it could do with much more rhyming so it will seem to flow better... I love the imagery though, keep it up! xD
C4C... deal?


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P.S. You can be as harsh as you want when critisising... I enjoy the truth!!
#3
Quote by Rowrena Chan
Good! But it could do with much more rhyming so it will seem to flow better... I love the imagery though, keep it up! xD

Thanks!
I was actually doing my best not to make it rhyme lol, I wanted it to seem a little disoriented (as I am now from staying up all night )

And thanks again, really means a lot that someone likes it
#4
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
Thanks!
I was actually doing my best not to make it rhyme lol, I wanted it to seem a little disoriented (as I am now from staying up all night )

And thanks again, really means a lot that someone likes it


I like it how crunchy is the instrumental portion going to be?
Gear
Jackson DK2
Ibanez RGR320EX
Guild X82 Nova
Godin Seagull S6

Vox V847
Vox VT40+ / VFS5 VT


Quote by FatalGear41

Right now, there are six and a half billion people on earth who don't care what kind of tubes you have in your amplifier
#5
Quote by Willowthewitch
I like it how crunchy is the instrumental portion going to be?

Thanks!

I'm not sure what you mean by that , but I'm either gonna go with park ambiance (trees, kids playing etc) with a slow ascending acoustic guitar, or I'm just gonna use some dreamy/nightmarish drones...but I'm not sure yet I might go with both.

AEDIT: Oh and it's gonna be post-rock.
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Jun 19, 2011,
#6
I actually think it's singable as is. Flow isn't really an issue of rhyme so much as syllable count, and the lines are similar enough that a skilled vocalist could make them work to a tune. (Though I know that's not the original intention.)

The title immediately made me think of Jack Johnson. I was pleasantly surprised to see the vibe was nothing like that. I know it isn't a stand-alone piece, so maybe it's not an issue.
#7
Quote by Vlaco
I actually think it's singable as is. Flow isn't really an issue of rhyme so much as syllable count, and the lines are similar enough that a skilled vocalist could make them work to a tune. (Though I know that's not the original intention.)

The title immediately made me think of Jack Johnson. I was pleasantly surprised to see the vibe was nothing like that. I know it isn't a stand-alone piece, so maybe it's not an issue.

Thanks!

Well I'm gonna be doing about ten different recordings with this to see which one I like best, and which fits in better.

Really? I guess I might have to change the title then.
Would it be immoral of me to keep the title now that I know this?

#8
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
Thanks!

I'm not sure what you mean by that , but I'm either gonna go with park ambiance (trees, kids playing etc) with a slow ascending acoustic guitar, or I'm just gonna use some dreamy/nightmarish drones...but I'm not sure yet I might go with both.

AEDIT: Oh and it's gonna be post-rock.


See that you're doing it post-rock means a lot.

A good lyric can either be made be killed by the vibe of the total arrangement.

So knowing you're going with an acrostic arrangement should work really well with the lyric you have.


EDIT:

The arrangement I'd come up with involves playing sparsely at fairly low gain levels.

Toss in a bit of delay and reverb and delicate whammy bar tricks.
Gear
Jackson DK2
Ibanez RGR320EX
Guild X82 Nova
Godin Seagull S6

Vox V847
Vox VT40+ / VFS5 VT


Quote by FatalGear41

Right now, there are six and a half billion people on earth who don't care what kind of tubes you have in your amplifier
Last edited by Willowthewitch at Jun 19, 2011,
#9
Quote by Willowthewitch
See that you're doing it post-rock means a lot.

A good lyric can either be made be killed by the vibe of the total arrangement.

So knowing you're going with an acrostic arrangement should work really well with the lyric you have.



The arrangement I'd come up with involves playing sparsely a bit of delay and delicate whammy bar tricks.

Yeah I also agree on that, and hopefully it would

I might be doing that, but I'm not gonna use a guitar...might write something for a violin or piano, then I'll add some guitar riffs.

AEDIT:
Quote by Willowthewitch
The arrangement I'd come up with involves playing sparsely at fairly low gain levels.

Toss in a bit of delay and reverb and delicate whammy bar tricks.

I'd say that reverb and delay are pretty much essential to me here
And I'll try that w/ a cello maybe, like really low gain droning using a bowed instrument...I'm interested in what could come from that.
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Jun 19, 2011,