#1
This is a prog/post-rock song I wrote with two parts. The first part is mellow and ambient. The second part picks up with distorted guitars and whatnot.

C4C, as always.


Part One:

Here, I don't exist,
so tell me a story from your perspective.

Six years here;
I'd trade my life for another lucid thought.

I lost half of myself in
the five minutes since I woke.
I lost the rest
in the moment when you spoke.

At worst, think of all the things you almost had but couldn't reach.
The greatest thing you'd ever seen at best, at best.

I could be so much more.
I could be so much more.
I could be so much more.

Part Two:

I could be so much more.
I could be so much more.
I could be so much more.

We are so far away from where we belong.
Drink up; open your mind to the world beyond.

Can you feel the light in your throat grow bright?
Look up; open your eyes to this perfect sight.

And write songs we can sleep through,
and write songs we can dance to,
and write songs we can live through,
and write songs we can die to believe.

It's all we can do to ignore why we've yet to find the peak.

And write songs we can sleep through,
and write songs we can dance to,
and write songs we can live through,
and write songs we can die to believe
in anything but God.

The pinnacle of this is knowing that we will never die.

I'll savor the self-reduction.
I'll savor the self-reduction.
I'll savor the self-reduction.
I'll savor the light.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Jun 29, 2011,
#2
Parabol(a)

I liked this:

I lost half of myself in
the five minutes since I woke.
I lost the rest
in the moment when you spoke.

I felt less sanguine about the next two lines, although I'm not quite sure why. I think I found the repetition of "at best" interesting, went back and re-read what you were referring to, and found that there wasn't much else there to be interested in. Not that the lines are bad or anything, just meh.

I wanted the song to end after this:
The pinnacle of this is knowing that we will never die.

I don't feel like the last chorus and outro added anything meaningful to the song, but I acknowledge that if there's music to this, the words may be musically necessary, even if they aren't poetically necessary.

peace
#3
First of all thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. I really liked the tone of this piece. It felt like the narrator was rambling, but in a good way. Like he was thinking about a lot and trying to fit it all together. I wasn't too fond of the "greatest thing you'd ever seen at best". The "at best" just seemed too tacked on to me. Samet thing with the "at worst" from the preceding line. I mean that seemed more natural, but I don't find it necessary. Also with the "and write songs we can die to believe" that line just seemed a bit awkward. maybe change it to either "and write songs we can die for" or "and write songs so we can believe". Just my two cents. Anyways, nice job, man.
#4
Extensive repetition like that works really well when sung as a song, not so much when read on paper. So I'm glad this is lyrics, because that means it works really well.

To me this seemed a little lethargic, like it had no definite direction. Lots of the ideas seemed a little disconnected. I guess I would say there needs to be a more logical flow of ideas. That's really all I have, I find it hard to critique lyrics without hearing them sung as so much of it is in the way it sounds.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
I agree completely. Maybe I should stop posting lyrics and wait until I have demos to post in the other forum...

Oh, and it's meant to seem disjointed as it's about dreams and drugs respectively. God knows I didn't relate that idea well enough at all to get away with it, but it's prog, so it's much more about the texture of the vocals than what I'm actually talking about.

Anyway, thanks for the words.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Jun 30, 2011,