#1
Here's a poem sort of thing, it was originally meant to be a song but I haven't come up with a melody yet and I can't find the right kind of feel yet. It'll come to me if it needs to, but please say whether you think it works well as a poem or would work well with music


I went for a walk this morning
down by the landlocked old ships
life's tourists played on the beach
hourglasses ran onto the sand

and soon, tiring of their company,
I took a walk to see the doctor
we talked a while, him and me
under the shade of an old oak tree

his beard stretched down past his knees
his suit was ragged and clean
his eyes were seagulls on a windswept sea
and he told me about the things he'd seen

the breeze swept through the empty church
fathering a squall
that filled a sail on the open sea
headed for obscurity
Last edited by OKSauce at Jun 19, 2011,
#2
I went for a walk this morning
down by the landlocked old ships
life's tourists played on the beach
hourglasses ran onto the sand
I enjoyed the symbols in this stanza. Very vivid.

and soon, tiring of their company,
I took a walk to see the doctor
we talked a while, him and me(I)
under the shade of an old oak tree
Nothing much to say here, it's a leading stanza.

his beard stretched down past his knees
his suit was ragged and clean
his eyes were seagulls on a windswept sea
and he told me about the things he'd seen
Great descriptions.

the breeze swept through the empty church
fathering a squall
that filled a sail on the open sea
headed for obscurity
A powerful ending. I wouldn't change it.
I have a vague idea about the meaning or story of this song, yet precision in words eludes me.
BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

I SAY, I SAY, BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

They say when they finally attack, all the impostors will peel themselves. In order to tell if you have been assimilated, check for a zipper somewhere near your pelvis.


#4
Thanks a lot for the feedback! it's sort of about my grandfather, who I didn't know, but it's also sort of about other things. I hope I didn't spoil it by revealing the meaning or anything

Does it work well as a poem, and would it work well with music?
#6
I liked your imagery, although the bit where you make the old guy a doctor with a beard down to his knees made me think of the Indigo Girls.

I had an issue with the last stanza, though. The problem is that I have no idea whether the breeze, the church, the squall, the sail, or the sea is headed for obscurity. Actually, that's flippant. I'm pretty convinced it's either the sail or the sea, but there's still some modifier confusion, here.

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Jun 21, 2011,
#7
I really liked the imagery in this piece, especially the 'ragged and clean' line. That created a cool image in my head in relation to the old man, and it also seemed to carry a certain symbolism with the piece. There were a few lines that served that purpose as well, such as 'his eyes were seagulls on a windswept sea'.
I really enjoyed how all of your symbols/images tied into the same leading theme of the story, it gave the entire thing a nice cohesion.
One thing I would change is the use of 'him and me' in the second stanza. It's a grammatical error, sure, but I feel that it gives the stanza too much rhyme, and it almost makes it sound childish. And I also think that the last line of the third stanza is a syllable too long, but that's probably just how I'm reading it. Just something to consider

Really, I think this could work well as a poem or as music, I could hear it being the lyrics to a folky song, personally. I really enjoyed this
#8
I've rewritten this to some extent, here it is :

I went for a walk this morning
Down by the landlocked old ships
life's tourists played on the beach
Hourglasses running away

I soon tired of their company
And took a walk to see the doctor
A grandfather clock ticked the seconds away
Under the shade of an old oak tree

His beard was tangled and filled with leaves
His suit was ragged and clean
His eyes were seagulls on a windswept sea
And he told me about what he'd seen

The breeze swept through the empty church
Fathering a squall
That filled a sail on the open sea
Headed for obscurity
#10
You, sir, are my new favourite writer. The symbols, and the rhyming, and the you being a god among men... WAHH. The only thing I'd change is in the third stanza, "His suit was ragged and clean" to "His suit was ragged but clean". Otherwise, solid work. I'm agreeing with Leila... acoustic feel, emphasis on lyrics.
#11
You're too kind, really. I've changed that line now. I might just keep it as a poem, depending on whether I can come up with a good enough melody. One will arrive if it needs to though
#12
I liked the original version better. The conversational tone and some of the best imagery (hourglasses running into the sand) are lost in your rewrite, and it didn't feel like you gained anything.
#13
I thought the second one was more equal in terms of syllable count and flowed better, but I'll reconsider some changes. Thanks man
#14
it's not a real rhythmic piece - I felt it was all about the imagery, before
Nothing to see here. Move along.
#15
Pretty solid work my friend. This may be a great song if you tried. Otherwise, a fantastic poem. I did like the lyrics "Hourglass running into the sand" though. Maybe you could incorporate that line back into it.