#1
crit4crit
DESIGNATED DRUNK DRIVER

Water and oil don't mix, I know
But when they come together,
They make a rainbow.
And a colorful puddle
Is all we've got,
To contrast the greyness
Of old asphalt.
As we walk hand-in-hand
Back to my car,
I want to collect that chemistry
In a mason jar;
So dirty, yet so beautful
Like the plans I have for me and you.

I wish I could save you
For just one rainy day,
But where I come from
It always rains.
The streets are wet
So it's hard to stop;
I pray we don't become
A roadside cross .
I have a pounding heart
And white knuckles on the wheel,
But when I reach your home
I'll finally feel,
The way God did
Looking at Creation;
Such a wonderful sight,
I finally made it.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Jun 23, 2011,
#2
Water and oil don't mix, I know
But when they come together,
They make a rainbow.
And a colorful puddle
Is all we've got,
To contrast the blackness
Of this parking lot.
The last 4 lines were a little corny in their rhyme. (opinion only)
As we walk hand-in-hand
Back to my car
I want to collect that chemsitry in a jar;
So dirty, yet so beautful
Like the intent of my soul.
The last line doesn't fit very well. A soul's intent to do what?

I wish I could save you
For just a rainy day,
I recommend replacing "a" with "one."
But where I come from
It always rains.
The streets are wet
So it's hard to slowdown;
We'll crash right through
Every road block now.
I'm guessing the only reason you added "now" was so you could fit it in the rhyme. If I'm correct, try and find another way around this.
My heart is pounding
From keeping steady the wheel,
I've recently learned this is called a hyperbaton, but it is still semantically incorrect, and there are people like me who might squirm a little. This sentence isn't wrong in a song, I just think you should know.
But when I reach your home I'll finally feel
Like God on the last day of creation;
Such a wonderful sight,
I finally made it.
I liked the ending. An empowering sense of accomplishment is conveyed here.
BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

I SAY, I SAY, BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

They say when they finally attack, all the impostors will peel themselves. In order to tell if you have been assimilated, check for a zipper somewhere near your pelvis.


#4
Just and idea but instead of "every road block now what about "Every roadblock in town" just an idea
#5
And sorry for not putting this in my last post but whats about "From keeping the wheel steady" idk abd idc ur choice ur song
#6
This is quite good. I'm glad I read it. I think your revisions following thtee56's advice improve the piece quite a lot.

Contrary to thetee56's preferences, I tend to like hyperbatons. Many of the finest writers in the English language have used them, and I feel that their inclusion in our poetic toolbox should be encouraged, rather than discouraged. That said, I think the particular lines in question are probably improved by the more standard word order.

peace
#7
The revisions were good. I'd take another look at
We'll crash right through every road block .
- reword, maybe think of a different approach at this idea.
and
From keeping the wheel steady,
- from "holding" the wheel steady? I think the imagery is better that way.

The last four lines are great, but the fourth and third to last seem too long and messy with the flow. Maybe swap words, omit some words, or something.

Overall, cool piece. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to seeing some more of your work
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