#1
No words I read are consolation
The television holds fewer charms than ever
I'm overcome by the curious sensation
Every talking head will have your voice forever

And I try not to hear your voice
No baby no
I feel sure that I had another choice
No baby no
But I will miss you
I still miss you

Every face that I see bears your silent accusation
My knife sings no baby no when it cuts my food
I have failed in all the usual affirmations
Nothing I have tried seems to do any good

And I try not to hear your voice
No baby no
I feel sure that I had another choice
No baby no
But I will miss you
I still miss you

Don't turn around my darling
Don't turn around
Don't see me like this
Don't see me like this
No no no
Oh, your dress
Is such a mess

And I try not to hear your voice
No baby no
I feel sure that I had another choice
No baby no
But I will miss you
I still miss you
I still miss you
Last edited by Nilchii at Jun 22, 2011,
#2
Quote by Nilchii
No words I read are consolation
The television holds fewer charms than ever
The political blogs leave me no hope for the nation
Every talking head will have your voice forever

I would change the third line. The political statement feels completely out of place in this piece, and it seems you used it solely for the rhyme. Other than that, great stanza.

And I try not to hear your voice
I feel sure that I had another choice
But I will miss you
I still miss you

Nice refrain. No complaints.

Every face that I see bears your silent accusation
I can barely hold a knife to cut my food
I have failed in all the usual affirmations
Nothing I have tried seems to do any good

Another solid stanza.

And I try not to hear your voice
I feel sure that I had another choice
But I will miss you
I still miss you

Don't turn around my darling
Don't turn around
Don't see me like this
Don't see me like this
Oh, your dress
Is such a mess

I like this, but I feel like you should expand upon the dress. Being the only mention of a dress, it brings little to the piece.

Now I try not to hear your voice
I feel sure that I had another choice
But I will miss you
I still miss you
I still miss you



I quite liked this. It feels very honest and real. Good job.
#4
I'm gonna have to go with Winter Sky on that, politics seems a little out of place in this piece.

Other than that, great job!
#5
It's odd that both of you seem to think I'm making a political statement of some kind. What do you imagine that I mean?
#6
Okay, so I have a different opinion. I think the first stanza fits very well (and very eloquently) with what you're trying to say. That is, if I'm following you correctly.
Also, the mention of blogs is a timely acknowledgement of our internet-centered world today.

Actually, the line that bothers me is the line about the dress. I really don't like it, and it seems completely unrelated to it's context....unless you care to enlighten me.

Great work!
#7
To be perfectly honest, I found this quite boring. The sentiment is so pedestrian... it's the same piece that's been written by 1/3 of the population since English was invented. Before that, cave people used rocks to chip a big rock smashing the girl that left them onto a cave wall... it's run of the mill. That might be okay if you gave me some sort of flare... some sort of pizazz that lifts this out of the crowd as the Asian girl in an all white, male school. Maybe I'm taking it to literally, maybe there is something more going on here... but I'm inclined to think that if there is, you've hidden it much too well... since I can't even catch a hint of it.

You're capable of writing much more than this, I've read it before. This may have been written as a song... in which case, maybe it flows well and is catchy and everything is hunky-dory. However, as a piece of writing on a page... I find it lacking.

Welcome back!
#8
Sounds as though I've hidden it too well. The song's a murder ballad. He slit the girl's throat with a knife.

And as to me being back, I tend to be around when school's not too busy.

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Jun 21, 2011,
#9
Yeah, unfortunately, I didn't even catch a hint of that. There were some lines in there that lead me to believe something more might be happening (dress, knife) but, I just couldn't latch onto that because they were spaced apart... and filled with things that read like "you just left me and my puppy is sad."

Anyway, cheers, sir.
#11
hated the third line.

loved the rest of this so much more when i knew it was a murder ballad.

maybe a different title to show the meaning more explicitly?

you planning on recording this?
#12
Third line is getting a lot of flack. I'll probably revisit the lyrics and record something sometime, yeah. I feel like it's pretty derivative of Nick Cave, specifically "Nobody's Baby Now," so I need to develop a tune that is sufficiently unlike NBN for me to want to sing it. Right now, everything I come up with is very Nick Cave.

I'll come back to it. Maybe if I go Robert Johnson on it.

peace
#13
Nick Cave is never a bad place to be. unless you want to be, i dont know, asleep at night or something. seriously, his murder ballads cd is one i havent broken out in years just because the last time i listened to it i was scared my girlfriend was going to take me out to a cliff and stab me.

either way, excited to hear the recording.

#14
Lyrics revised extensively. Please have at.

Finally uploaded a video here.

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Jun 22, 2011,