#1
I have previously posted this piece - without the new additions and revisions.

Here is the new outcome, ive made the music for this piece, and will try to record and upload it.

You all probably guessed already what genre this is. Clearly inspired by Opeth, this will be a progressive metal piece.

Tell me your verdicts!

Counting, all the steps I'm making
When everything's all the same

Enlightened, by spinal shivers
Succumbed to what you became

Gazing, into endless eyes
Falling into your frame

Extroverted
Deceiving me into relief
Rushing my final statment
Whispering words you keep

Consuming the light of your rear end mirror
Intruding with prior damage, looks that are void

Across the motion
A beautiful way to concede
Through persistant promotion
Deviant glares in you eyes

Introverted
Refining my vanquish
Seduced by eternal hours
Feeding the cause

Pull me down again, submerging back to
Life
Bring be down again, and throw me back to
forced illusions breaking by your running feet

Im counting the steps im making
When everythings all the same

Enlightened by spinal shivers
Succumbed to what you became

Gazing, into endless eyes
Falling into your frame

Deep in your soul
Impending demise
Enchanting the wicked
Avoding the wise

Pull me down again, submerging back to
mortal, gloomy, less consuming alibi
Bring me down again, and throw me back to
shrouded lifelines made up just to ramify

Pull me down again, submerging back to
Life
Last edited by RodeoBrunslid at Jun 20, 2011,
#2
It was very well written, I'll start off with that.
Unfortunately, I felt like it all seemed too much like a politician's rabble than a lyricist's chronicle. In progressive metal and rock, there is in fact more story like a fable, rather than a blurting of ideas and feelings. I felt that you did have a primal sense of what you wanted to say, but it doesn't fit in prog music (with the exception of electronic/techno and all that). Here's an example:

Enlightened, by spinal shivers
Succumbed to what you became

Gazing, into endless eyes
Falling into your frame


A continuity could be created simply, as so:

Enlightened, by spinal shivers
Succumbed to what you became
I gazed into endless eyes
finally falling into your flame

The aesthetics of the song are great, couldn't find a fault. Just the structure (a little general, I know) needs to have a spine, something all the stanzas can relate to.
Keep working on this, it'll be worthy of glorious praise when finished.
BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

I SAY, I SAY, BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

They say when they finally attack, all the impostors will peel themselves. In order to tell if you have been assimilated, check for a zipper somewhere near your pelvis.


#3
Hi TheTee56. Thanks for your input i get what you mean. I guess i was describing the feeling of being shrouded, sort of, there are some sidetracks obviously.

I like your idea about the

"Enlightened, by spinal shivers
Succumbed to what you became
I gazed into endless eyes
finally falling into your flame"

Ill have a look an see if it fits with the music.

Ill definately try to develop a more coherent red line in this, as you suggest.

Again, thanks for reading!