#1
Any advice welcome


From licking your boots to licking my wounds
be this as it may - but it feels like november

it was one of those swoons
we’d laugh and confide ‘ you remember
open secrets yield no open doors
i’ll be the first to know

we drew a veil over it
just promise me not to go
it doesn’t even matter because these
goddamn vain dreams are still there

it stopped raining after all
what you killed is still there
turn it around - it’s a scam
do you believe what you hear

your sea dries sooner than a tear
and when you realize I’m still here
we’ll paint this coffin black and blue
until then I’m still waiting for you
#2
Quote by 08L1V10N
Any advice welcome


From licking your boots to licking my wounds
be this as it may - but it feels like november

For some reason, I just don't like the word "licking" in the first line. Other than that, I like this stanza.

it was one of those swoons
we’d laugh and confide ‘ you remember
open secrets yield no open doors
i’ll be the first to know

In the second line, "you remember" seems to break the flow, though it does add a certain touch mood-wise. Another great stanza.

we drew a veil over it
just promise me not to go
it doesn’t even matter because these
goddamn vain dreams are still there

I don't like the wording of the second line. Also, the word "vain" feels out of place in the last line.

it stopped raining after all
what you killed is still there
turn it around - it’s a scam
do you believe what you hear

No problems here.

your sea dries sooner than a tear
and when you realize I’m still here
we’ll paint this coffin black and blue
until then I’m still waiting for you

My only complaint here is the phrase "black and blue" in the third line. I just don't like the sound or feel of it. Other than that, this is an awesome ending.


I really like this piece; it reminds me of a lot of what I've been writing (or trying to write) lately. What's the genre? I'd guess prog-rock because of the disorganised, surreal feel of the lyrics.

Anyway, great stuff. Cheers.
#3
Thanks a real lot for your time ! My band plays post-rock/gothic and I don't know if my (female) singer will approve this text to use in the music xD she might find out it's about her haha.

I'll be checking your lyrics as soon as I have the time