#1
I have taken my first real attempt at writing poetry. and would like to have it critiqued. so i come to the geniuses of the S+L. Anyway here is the revised version.

From the very first sight,
she set my soul alight.
And like a star in the night
my love burned bright.
The world was great, all was well.
'Till the demon came and sent my soul to hell.


And with her the demon did stay.
And now my soul burns in a different way.
Oh, how I long for my revenge,
as my heart she did singe.
But for my love for her,I would gladly strike them down,
And here they would join me in the ground
Because all is not great, and all is not well.
Since living in this world is the one true hell.
Quote by PsiGuy60
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^^^ truth
Last edited by ebayallen at Jun 22, 2011,
#2
You had a very specific rhythm and rhyme scheme, so you didn't need to type it as free verse/prose. It'd read better broken up.
So:
Quote by ebayallen

From the very first sight,
she set my soul alight.
And like a star in the night
my love burned bright.
The world was great, all was well.
'Till the demon came and sent my soul to hell.
Now she is gone, i am here,
and the demon is always near.
For with her the demon did stay.
And now my soul burns in a diffrent way.
Oh, how i long for my revenge,
as my heart she did singe.
But for my love for her,I would gladly strike them down,
And here they would join me in the ground
Because all is not great, and all is not well.
Because living in this world is the one true hell.


Alright. Now to critique.

First read through: it was simplistic and childish. For a serious poem, it read like a nursery rhyme. It had a bouncy, worn rhythm. The rhymes never were complex, as "hell-well" "here-near" "stay-way" aren't hard to conjure. Now those rhymes can be used decently, but wrapped up against this context, they fail to add anything but add to the nursery feel of the piece.

Also, the subject matter of your poem was a bit inconsistent. The random demon was always near you, yet it stayed with her, yet you're not with her. So...what? If the demon was actually her, it would kinda make sense, meaning that she just changed and wasn't the same you had fallen in love with, but you refer to them both separately. It just doesn't make sense. The "strike them down" line also confused me, as it begs the question, strike who down?

The last line summed up everything nice and all
But truly this poem was your downfall.
And though the demon came and went
Your time spent here was not well spent.
Am I making my point clear?
That this demon couldn't always be near.
Or too cryptic am I being?
For you to find my one true meaning.
To search your mind and be realistic
That writing like this is too simplistic.
#3
Ouch, that stung a bit. but one will never get better without criticism.
Edit: on the demon thing, i was meaning that the demon was always near to her. i thought that read clearly.
Quote by PsiGuy60
I'll probably end up as a pipe-smoking, headbanging 55-year-old.


^^ me too bro, me too

Quote by slash_GNR666
Talk..........to.......girls?????

I thought they were only good at sucking dick and making sammiches

^^^ truth
Last edited by ebayallen at Jun 22, 2011,
#4
Oh, then it was simply redundant. My bad.

And hey, everyone starts somewhere. It just sounds like you got a bit too hung up on making everything rhyme and fit into this instated rhythm. Play with your words, find new ways of explaining old ideas, make it interesting. 20 lines of the same scheme will get a bit tiring, so there's things like changing meter, stanzas, or simply broken lines that don't fit to keep the reader guessing. Keep writing dude.
#5
I shall. Also, It appears you are reading it as if it is a demon in the literal sense. When in actuality the demon refers to someone who is evil to me, not literally hell incarnate.

I also revised it some and I think I have improved it greatly

From the very first sight,
she set my soul alight.
And like a star in the night
my love burned bright.
The world was great, all was well.
'Till the demon came and sent my soul to hell.


And with her the demon did stay.
And now my soul burns in a diffrent way.
Oh, how I long for my revenge,
as my heart she did singe.
But for my love for her,I would gladly strike them down,
And here they would join me in the ground
Because all is not great, and all is not well.
Since living in this world is the one true hell.
Quote by PsiGuy60
I'll probably end up as a pipe-smoking, headbanging 55-year-old.


^^ me too bro, me too

Quote by slash_GNR666
Talk..........to.......girls?????

I thought they were only good at sucking dick and making sammiches

^^^ truth
Last edited by ebayallen at Jun 22, 2011,
#6
I enjoyed the poem, but like Blake said, the rhyming just...annoys me. It makes it seem forced, (even in your revised piece, but it is better) which in turn makes it hard to read. I like reading stuff where it isn't clear that the person had trouble composing the piece. Rhyming is great when it's done to help with flow, but I feel (in my opinion) that's all it's good for, but I don't really like rhyming things.

Try working with different line breaks, alliteration, punctuation, word choice, imagery. You definitely have potential, you just have to not be sooo cliché and forceful with your writing. I'm looking forward to seeing you post more things here though.
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#7
Quote by brandon369852
I enjoyed the poem, but like Blake said, the rhyming just...annoys me. It makes it seem forced, (even in your revised piece, but it is better) which in turn makes it hard to read. I like reading stuff where it isn't clear that the person had trouble composing the piece. Rhyming is great when it's done to help with flow, but I feel (in my opinion) that's all it's good for, but I don't really like rhyming things.

Try working with different line breaks, alliteration, punctuation, word choice, imagery. You definitely have potential, you just have to not be sooo cliché and forceful with your writing. I'm looking forward to seeing you post more things here though.

Why thank you. That is honestly the first poem i have ever willingly written. (school assigned writing doesnt count to me) So i am of course still learning.
Quote by PsiGuy60
I'll probably end up as a pipe-smoking, headbanging 55-year-old.


^^ me too bro, me too

Quote by slash_GNR666
Talk..........to.......girls?????

I thought they were only good at sucking dick and making sammiches

^^^ truth
#10
Thanks a lot guys . ill continue to write and hopefully get better.
Quote by PsiGuy60
I'll probably end up as a pipe-smoking, headbanging 55-year-old.


^^ me too bro, me too

Quote by slash_GNR666
Talk..........to.......girls?????

I thought they were only good at sucking dick and making sammiches

^^^ truth