#1
Here's song that I actually feel like I did well on. The rhyming isn't very creative, but I like the message.

--------------------------------------------

I'm sitting at the end of my road

Waiting for a ride that will never show

I hold my thumb up high

Hoping for someone to pass me by

I packed my bags and tried to leave myself behind

But no matter how far I go

I will still carry it's weight on my mind

My life moved too slow

So I had to act fast

Without a place to go

I move into the future and out of my past

I looked into a mirror and waved goodbye

But my reflection gave me no reply

I turned my back and walked away

And I'm sure that it did the same

My house has too much room to hate myself

While optimisim gains dust up on my shelf

But now I'm out the door

Bags in hand, I will see if this world has more

I stand in a field

Where all grass is dead and the buried bodies have no will

Their arms stick up from the ground

With hands holding the blades that brought them down

The soil hydrates from the blood

And the tears of the children who thought they couldn't be loved

I see we have been nieve

To destroy this world but give the next generation hope to believe

Our very own towers fall

From the weight of the bones we've packed in the walls

Now I move from this place

The arms reach for me and I pick up the pace

When will we learn

That if the past is gone

And everything went wrong

That the future will hold the same

If we believe that it can change

Then we must truly all be insane

I spoke with a girl

Who told me that there is no hope for this world

And so she spends her time

In a motel bed with her face on a line

She says if it doesn't kill her

Then life eventually will

After all, death can not be beat

Whether you're warm in bed or sleeping on the streets

I'm sitting at the end of my road

Waiting for a ride that will never show

I hold my thumb up high

Hoping for someone to pass me by

I packed my bags and tried to leave myself behind

But no matter how far I go

I will still carry it's weight on my mind
#3
Quote by guitarsolo_17
I suggest spelling NAIVE correctly.



Thats ignorant



Kinda cheesy OP

Id start over from scratch personally
#4
Well I suppose i can do that. Or I could just leave it like that, cause "nieve" means "clenched fist", and that can totally confuse people now.

And I'm not sure what to say to it being called cheesy. I guess I don't really mind though.
#5
I liked this part. Simple, yet effective.
I'm sitting at the end of my road

Waiting for a ride that will never show

I hold my thumb up high

Hoping for someone to pass me by

I packed my bags and tried to leave myself behind

But no matter how far I go

I will still carry it's weight on my mind

My life moved too slow

So I had to act fast

Without a place to go

I move into the future and out of my past

I looked into a mirror and waved goodbye

But my reflection gave me no reply

I turned my back and walked away

And I'm sure that it did the same

My house has too much room to hate myself

While optimisim gains dust up on my shelf

But now I'm out the door

Bags in hand, I will see if this world has more

Yet, after that I lost interest, and I felt you were going off on depressing tangents. You could almost split this into two separate pieces. I applaud the potential here, although I think it needs more work.
Keep writing!
#6
Thanks, I didn't want to keep going on about one topic. I wasn't really going for depressing, just more addressing the world's problems i guess. But thanks for the crit!