#1
had this girlfriend who cut, and she was so beautiful save for the ugly red gashes on her arms. so i wrote this song. please comment. G, D, C

"Something Poetic"

There's something poetic about slamming the door in his face.
They tried for so long, but they can't go on like this.
And she's heartbroken, but she swears she'll be alright.
And she watches his taillights as they fade away in the night.

And there's something poetic about the tear stains on her cheeks.
Such a pretty face, til it got torn up by those streaks.
And she hates her life, but she'll keep on going.
And her love with the boy, it keeps on growing.

And there's something poetic about the ugly red gash on her arm.
The ones who we love always seem to do the most harm.
For the rest of her life, her perfect tanned skin will be marred.
But she never did think that being in love would be hard.

Now there's something poetic about the crash of his car in the road.
Once was her prince, but now she just wants him to go.
On his way back to love her, on his way back to apologize,
But here in the street is where the young man dies.

And there's something poetic as they bury him down in the ground.
She got what she wanted, he'll never come back around.
And it's too late to notice, too late to realize she's wrong.
So instead she just cries and says that she loved him all along.

There's something poetic about no more pills in the bottle.
She lives in a haze, missing him so much it's awful.
Shakespearean tragedy, just like she always read,
With the car and pills now these two lovers are dead.
Last edited by pielover375 at Jun 23, 2011,
#2
To begin with, this piece really got an emotional response from me due to the fact I had a family member who cut. One of the most awful things I've ever had to go through.
"The ones who we love always seem to do the most harm." - Amen.

Anyway...
Usually I'm not a huge fan of using names, but in this case where it's in third person I would suggest giving the boy a name. Leaving the girl unnamed in contrast might add mysteriousness. Also, I think this piece is powerful enough without worrying about the rhyme. Here I don't really like face/chase. It sounds strained. Consider taking out "as they" in the last line as well.
There's something poetic about slamming the door in his face.
They tried for so long, but now their love's turned into a chase.
And she's heartbroken, but she swears she'll be alright.
And she watches his taillights as they fade away in the night.

In the second line, use something more descriptive than the word "except."
The last line falls flat.

And there's something poetic about the tear stains on her cheeks.
Such a pretty face, except for those streaks.
And she hates her life, but she'll keep on going.
And her love with the boy, it keeps on growing.


Like I said previously, love the second line.

And there's something poetic about the ugly red gash on her arm.
The ones who we love always seem to do the most harm.
For the rest of her life, her perfect tanned skin will be marred.
But she never did think that being in love would be hard.

Ouch - no toad references!!! Oh gosh no - please change the second line!
The phrasing in the last line is unwieldy. If you take me up on my suggestion of a name, that will also help here.

Now there's something poetic about the crash of his car in the road.
Once was a prince, now he turns back into a toad.
On his way back to love her, on his way back to apologies,
But here in the street is where the young man dies.


And there's something poetic as they bury him down in the ground.
She got what she wanted, he'll never come back around.
And it's too late to notice, too late to realize she's wrong.
So instead she just cries and says that she loved him all along.


I don't like bottle/battle. I would revise the second line. The third is really cool, but the last is (once again) a forced rhyme.

There's something poetic about no more pills in the bottle.
Every new day, her life dragged on like a battle.
Shakespearean tragedy, just like she always read,
With the car and pills now these two lovers are dead.

Great work - thank you for sharing. I'm envisioning this as a ballad sort of song. I'd love to hear a recording.
#3
I made some changes in the first post. I had to try to keep it rhyme, because of my singing style. if it doesnt rhyme i cant flow it as well. Thank you for your feedback!
#4
I really liked the lines 'something poetic about those tears on her face' and 'such a pretty face, except for those streaks. It's effective
#5
I find it kind of hard to crit lyrics with hearing it, but I'll try here haha. I don't know how "Shakespearean tragedy" would sound in the song; it just doesn't fit in with the rest of the words in the song to me. I would suggest finding a different way to say it.

Also, for the chords, I would add in a "sadder" chord. G D C is ok, but it is used a lot, and those three chords by themselves make for upbeat songs. Thanks for your crit.