#1
little longings;
the ants are trapped in
my mustache forever-
they do not try to escape,
i would let them go if they
wished,
as i let you go,
when you wished-
but,
they remain silent, content,
at ease, etc.

longings like,
sitting in the treetops
trying to catch birds as they
fly past-
i'm never quick enough,
but i get a good glimpse
of the sky and
i always pack a lunch,
so really,
it's not all that bad.

don't feel sorry for me,
but do, i miss your pity,
i gave up drinking tea and
smoking cigarettes and
blue moon and
writing poetry and
blue whales and
other things-

when you came over last time,
M.,
you barely said a word, but one
you said was "aware" and I only
remember that because I thought
you said Delaware and I wondered
why you were going to Delaware or
why you were talking about
Delaware at all-

what's wrong, I said,
to the hairs on my head,
they sat and said nothing at all,
they're just hairs,
after all-

I wrote you in Delaware,
I met someone else,
she hates my body but lets me
talk about philosophy and death-

that's all I ask,
little longings,
happiness i don't deserve,
or didn't earn-
its all the same when you don't
think too hard about it.
#2
Man, rushmore, it never fails. I always look forward to seeing what you post on here, cause it's a rare sight for you to write something that isn't amazing. One thing I didn't really like was the stanza about talking to your hairs, it didn't seem to fit in with the rest. I like how you separated it with hyphens, but still, it felt a bit useless in the scheme of things. Other than that, though, this was really great. On a side note, in the first stanza, the use of ect. made a really cool rhyme in my head, mainly because when I read it, I read it as et-set, so I'm probably gonna be the only one to enjoy that :P
But again, good job
#3
I wrote you in Delaware,
I met someone else,
she hates my body but lets me
talk about philosophy and death-

This REALLY spoke to me man. I liked the whole thing, but specifically this part... Man.

I enjoyed it dude.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#4
you said was "aware" and I only
remember that because I thought
you said Delaware and I wondered
why you were going to Delaware or
why you were talking about
Delaware at all-

This part in particular was really something special. It gave a whole new depth to the piece with it's straightforward honesty, and really connected with me.

Awesome work.
#5
agreed with Bag'ed on that stanza in particular.

this piece actually really hit home, something I don't find sometimes in your pieces. your stuff is almost always well written, categories and observations and journal-like entries of very exquisite thought processes, but sometimes I feel as though you've removed yourself emotionally a bit in order to push the piece forward. however here you have really injected that liquid, tangible, hot piece of yourself. I rarely find myself connecting not only from my standpoint but from yours in works on here, but this was one that was very clear. even the lines that seemed flippant had purpose. well done.

if you could take a look at my newest, I would really appreciate it.
#8
like.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#10
Well done. First stanza, ants line, I felt was trying too hard. I get that little longings are annoying, like ants, but not in the moustache. That's too hipster. Skin would make more sense, personally.

The rest is wonderful. Simplicity of the words sets this apart from a lot of other stuff in S&L, using the easiest words and crafting the right ideas without choking in pretentious phrasings. Breath of fresh air.

Well done, mate