#1
Pale-blue afternoon, a black cloud in my window;
again in my bed I am completely still, praying for lightning
to only fulfill my surrounding view - this gentle glow of you
and the scenes of just us two in my eyelids. You know
better than most how your lights and shadows
play out on my face; like an open fire in the dark,
the romance and pathos is here in the room
hinting at something remarkable on the edges.

These afterparty comedowns, headaches in the daylight;
I was high and drunk and afraid, I woke up in the basement.
Drove home on the highway and the first, quiet raindrops
were suddenly full of noise and excitement in my ears
and I was inspired.

But I can't be that for you,
and I don't know for whom else I can either.

There's a garden in my yard with all sorts
of strange flowers, none of which I can name.
From my view there's an exotic beauty
and a cohesion I can't decipher, and I wonder
how much there's to gain from their mysterious sway in my mind.
There's nothing to stop my keen, blue eyes
from seeing all my tragedies march through again
and stomp on their petals. Nothing that I can see.

Only rain down the glass, splitting off into separate paths, frag-
ments of what first began as a single, dreamlike stream.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Jun 24, 2011,
#2
last two lines of the first stanza were just so wonderfully put. you have always had such a good knack for distilling prose into your poetry and weaving rhymes here and there. you're one of the few where I find this kind of prose to be readable. I really enjoyed how the third verse really sprang up in the midst of the tension of the stuff before. your stanzas are always very self contained in a good way, like having separate pictures in their frames beside each other on a wall. the one line that rubbed me the wrong way was the 'keen, blue eyes' part as I felt it was kind of self absorbed. not to say you are, but it came off as self important in a way that threw off the feel of the piece. you already described one thing about your eyes. I felt it should have been one or the other. blue eyes are kind of what I imagined already, so I think it should just be keen. it leaves room for a kind of subtlety that the rest of the piece exudes already. that's personal taste though. the lines that follow are well crafted, and 'dreamlike stream' was wonderfully worded. I like this.

if you have the time, please give my newest- cassandra's curse- a look.
#3
Thanks sticky. I really appreciate the kind words. I kept both "keen" and "blue" because I thought I needed both to help the line flow a bit better. I definitely want to keep "keen" in there because its meant to somewhat ironic, especially when you juxtapose it with the line "nothing that i can see." But I'll take another look at it and see what I can do. Thanks again. I'll hit yours up asap.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
I think this is my favorite thing I've read here. Beautiful stuff man.
Quote by Kozlic
Music doesnt need to be quality to be good.


Press eject, give me the tape, if you know what's good for you
#5
i really appreciate that man. anything you want me to take a look at?
here, My Dear, here it is