#1
Just a song I whipped up the other night. I'm not sure exactly where the idea came from to be honest, it was just spontaneous I guess. Could probably still use some tweaking, and some of the rhymes feel a little too cliche to me but I thought I'd ask you guys first


I Never Knew Her Name

I never knew her name
So I just called her Rose
I don't know who is to blame
For the ending that she chose

In a park her days were spent
She never spoke a single word
She watched as strangers came and went
Quiet and cold, she never stirred

Never before had I seen
Such a lonely looking face
I noticed her look back at me
Her stare, a burning grace

She spoke to me in a supple tone
She said "People think I'm insane-
cause I choose to sit here all alone-
But I'm not causing anyone pain"

I never saw her face again
Only in next Sunday's paper
She took her life, she gave in
No one cared enough to save her

But the sun still shines o'er head
I feel it sees through my disguise
I wont forget what she said
Before she took to the skies
#2
I really like what you've got going here. I just think you need a chorus to separate parts of the story, keep it from progressing too fast.
Also I'm not sure about the first bit. You never knew her name, I get that. Don't give her a name, it feels awkward. Find a different way to connect her with your protagonist.
Last edited by Raining Kasch at Jun 24, 2011,
#3
I never knew her name
So I just called her Rose
I don't know who is to blame
For the ending that she chose
Well already I see that you've forced the rhyming too much, I would suggest replacing the rhyming altogether with words and lines that make more sense and are more focused on building a picture rather than just telling a story. Spend the first stanza describing her or something, and you said you don't know her name but you just made one up for her. That just sounds kind of wierd and not too relatable

In a park her days were spent
She never spoke a single word
She watched as strangers came and went
Quiet and cold, she never stirred
I like this stanza, but could use some re-wording. I would suggest sitting down and re-arranging the words to flow better and maybe fixing the forced syllable count. Like for the first line you could do something like She walked everyday through the park, obviously that doesn't work all too well but that will help give you an idea I think.

It could also use a bridge or a chorus or something to kind of suggest that the scene is now set and you are now writing the story


Never before had I seen
Such a lonely looking face
I noticed her look back at me
Her stare, a burning grace

She spoke to me in a supple tone
She said "People think I'm insane-
Because I choose to sit here all alone-
But I'm not Becausing anyone pain" Grammatical error
I'm not sure about this part. That seems to me a little sudden and almost slightly person for a first conversation. But I can also see it working if you had the right music to it, I guess.


I never saw her face again
Only in next Sunday's paper
She took her life, she gave in
No one cared enough to save her
I think I like this one, it shows real feeling and it add charecter to the story. I sould suggest writing the rest of this with the same feeling you had here (as easy as that sounds it really take consentration and it may take a while before you get that feeling again.)

But the sun still shines o'er head
I feel it sees through my disguise It may just be me but I've seen no other allusion to disguises, I would omit and replace or add into somewhere else what your diguise is
I wont forget what she said
Before she took to the skies
'Taking to the skies,' is such an over-used term. Try describing it through sounds, colours, feelings, smells. Make me feel like I can hear, see, feel or smell the scene that you have painted me.

Thses are all just suggestings and comments, as a whole I thought it was pretty good, a little cliche but good. I would also suggest you should try working of your sense of imagry before writing anymore in this genre, it will help with the generic-ness Keep on Writing
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