#1
Well, I guess this isn't anything special, but it is about something I see an awful lot around where I live, so I figured it would be a good topic to write about since I know it so well.

-------------------------------------------------


did you hear

what he said that she said

that they heard from them

don't worry, we're just trying to help you

She's a slut and we're your friend

Drama, drama

Rumors and lies

We say bullshit about people we despise

Do we know the truth

Who should we believe

She likes it up the ass

She has the clap

STIs, STDs

Apparently we all have a disease

And it's pathological

It's compulsive and cruel

We ruin someone's life

Cause we think they're a tool

Fags, lesbians, rapists and cheaters

Some will call her names before they even meet her

Or know her name

It's a name game

What insult we can spread

She got with two twenty yr old guys

And gave them head

Apparently, allegedly

But I assure you this is true

Don't talk to her

It'll be the last thing you'll ever do

Why do teens want their lives this way

Talking shit about people all day

Where's our conscience

Where's the feeling of right

Do we say these things

To give ourselves pride?

*****'s because they've given a ride

Skanks because they ****ed someone you like

Stop blaming them

It's as much the other person's fault as theirs

It takes two to cheat

Drunk or not

They put themselves in the situation

And made it worse with the alcohol

It happened

Shut up

Don't blame only one

You know damn well

That he wanted a night of fun

But no

Whispers in ears

Writings on paper

Posts on their walls

Wanting shit started

So the drama, drama calls

This is their food

Breakfast, lunch and dinner

They yell at each other

Cause not everyone can be a winner

This isn't talent

This isn't creativity

It's a just a violent crash of arrogance and bitchy relativity
#2
i liked this alot but i'll hav to say after a while it seems that you're saying the same thing over n over again though. i like the way its structured but as rarely as i say this i think you should cut it down a bit. overall its really good, keep on writing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
Last edited by leafwhisperer at Jun 30, 2011,
#3
Haha well thanks. Yeah, I tend to write ALOT. But I kind of like to do that so I have more to work with when I cut it down.
#4
I have dealt with this alot in my days. This poem actually means something to me.
#6
I disagree with leafwhisperer. I didn't think this was very good at all.

It starts off... OK, at least is starts with SOME sort of structure. But as it goes on it just degenerates into the ramblings of a seemingly drunken-tween crying over something to do with something pointless.

"They put themselves in the situation
And made it worse with the alcohol
It happened
Shut up
Don't blame only one
You know damn well
That he wanted a night of fun
But no"

What the hell is going on here man? I don't like this style at all.

And the the subject matter... It looksl ike Korn trying to reinvent themselves by getting down with the kids. Or a song by Pink or something.

But like you said yourself, its nothing special and I guess you just put it up here for the sake of it and thats fair enough...

But in future I'd suggest taking a lot more time and effort into what you write, just some careful editing and word choices can make almost ANY piece tonnes better.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#7
I've written alot better. And this subject is pretty relatable to people...
#8
Quote by Bag'ed
I disagree with leafwhisperer. I didn't think this was very good at all.


i actually do agree with all your points but all i can say in my defense is that this was a personal liking not because of the subject matter or the topic but its haphazard way of writing.

alot of it looks like zymn wrote watever came to his mind without even trying to make sense of it n thats exactly wat goes on in my mind which are "not understandable to others but still manage to convey the meaning". i havent written one decent song till now so im no one to judge, i just make sure to tell wat i like
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
Last edited by leafwhisperer at Jun 30, 2011,
#9
Quote by zymn
I've written alot better. And this subject is pretty relatable to people...


Yes it IS relatable to people, its good you've hit upon something that people will feel. Now its your job to write a song or whatever with precision and care so theres not a word wasted and every line conveys a different side of the feeling you're getting at.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#10
Pardon me if I'm repeating Bag'ed, but I'm trying to expound.

Hm. This reminds me of the episode of South Park wherein Randy Marsh says the n-word on Wheel of Fortune, then goes on some Def Poetry Jam open mic to defend himself. It's episode 11-01, "With Apologies to Jesse Jackson" (10:57-11:48) for those playing at home. I'm not saying you have to defend yourself, but the style is similar.

This is something that happens around everyone. I put up with gossip when I was in high school. My brother, 14 years my senior, put up with it. My niece and nephew will put up with it sometime in the next 5-10 years. You're going through it. If you have younger siblings/close relations, they'll encounter it, too. If you have kids, same thing. Oh, your parents? Yeah, but with similarly stupid haircuts.

There's a difference between pointing out a common experience and critiquing it. Both are fine if you do so in a meaningful manner. Pointing out the obvious isn't insightful. You're smart enough to realize it's a bunch of BS. Now put yourself above it, or at least express wisdom.

Frustrations at situations can lead to powerful art. Picasso's "Guernica." Rosa Parks' bus seating. Cursive's Domestica. Salinger's The Catcher In The Rye. There's a difference between being artful and being vulgar/common. Work on that, I guess.

Word. Later, yo.
I am a fake mountain.
#11
Wow. Okay, so DanTheHobbit has an intelligence much brighter than mine. And I totally understand what you're saying, tho. That's a good way to put it. I'll definitely think on it.