#1
This song is based on a short story I wrote when I was about 5. The song idea's been around in my head for months, but I only just got it all out today. It's kind of a folky pop song, mostly in major keys. Responses would be nice

tom the robin went to space
he was tired of the human race
he'd been running for twelve days straight
no longer could he stand the weight

everyone came in last place
a suspicious grin on someone's face
filled the restaraunt where the lawyers sat
waste of time, tit for tat

twelve meals a day can't beat the milky way
it's sunny like today and like yesterday

he journeys among the stars
he's one with the cosmos now
mercury and saturn surround him
with their gaze

no longer one of ours
surrendered to the universe
jupiter and neptune
are inviting him to play

tom the robin also ran
quick in the eye, a flash in the pan
he couldn't win against the machine
that destroyed the track and crushed the green

got himself a house on mars
a nice little place with a view of the stars
the rent is high but it's better than here
due to the fact that nobody's near

it rained and it rained until it stopped
the rainforest drowned and the pipes are blocked

he journeys among the stars
he's one with the cosmos now
mercury and saturn surround him
with their gaze

no longer one of ours
surrendered to the universe
jupiter and neptune
are inviting him to play

the robin that went to space
isn't coming back again
#2
this was good i must say n it did had that folky feel to it. now looking at just the lyrics, the rhymes are too..obvious (place, face, space, race) it does kind of work if you take it as a childrens story/poem where the innocence of the words actually hav a great deep meaning behind it. having said that lines like these:

twelve meals a day can't beat the milky way
it's sunny like today and like yesterday

seem forcefully rhymed otherwise it is good but can be better. keep on writting
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
Last edited by leafwhisperer at Jun 26, 2011,
#3
Thanks, the melody is pretty important to the song I think, maybe the lyrics don't hold up so well on their own. That can be said for any song really though I guess.

Some lines were taken straight from the story, including 'sunny like today and yesterday'
#4
I second leafwhisperer on that.
Also, it may mean more to you than it does to anyone else, therefore they'll have a hard time appreciating it. It doesn't mean you're a bad writer or anything like that, it's just an issue of relevancy.
I can see this as a totally fun children's / campfire song. I love it's whimsical tone.
#5
I love this song. The part about "the rent is high but it's better than here, due to the fact that nobody's here" resonated like crazy. I come from a pretty solitary bunch of folks, and this song is just... relevant
#7
It's a pretty personal song I suppose, I'm glad you liked it pielover 375, and thanks for the criticism too
#9
I love this song also the lyrics of this song are mind blowing it’s my favorite song!!!!
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#10
I'm with Paul. If this was recorded, I would put it on my iPod. I'd even pay the 99 cents for it on Amazon instead of just ripping the audio off of YouTube. I might even buy the whole album. Sorry for undermining you, Leila, but I think this is a hit in the making
#11
Oh man thanks a lot, I really appreciate it. I think it still needs some work though
#12
I wasn't saying I don't think it's great - because it is.
Pie put it nicely: "A hit in the making."
With a bit of tweaking it really could be something special.

I'm all for stuff like this. I wish more people did it. I was only expressing concern for it's longevity.
It might take people a while to warm up to it. Owl City had to release a few albums before he made it big though, so I suppose that's the nature of the style.

Great work (and congratulations for creating such a diverse discussion)
#13
I have to agree in saying it isn't perfect. I played through it earlier with some bollocks chords just to see how it sounds, and some passages are... stumbley. But I can't wait to see the finished product!
#14
I agree with leafwhisperer on the rhymes part. They were a little obvious but I did like the song.