#1
I re-wrote this... I think it's better. The end, too

"Rain, Or, The Canvas"

Hey there, you.
Look at how much you've grown,
How far we've come.
Listen to the steady fall
Of rain on the window.
I see you across the room,
Sitting at your easel,
Holding your pallet.
The canvas is blank, isn't it?

I stand up,
Take a drink.
I walk over to you,
Place a hand on your hip.
The subtle curve I've come to know;
Bury my nose in your hair,
The subtle scent I've come to love.
I look down at the canvas,
You knock it from the easel.

I try to kiss you.
You push me away.
I try to hug you.
You push me away.
I walk back to the couch.
A tear falls out of your eye and you pick up the canvas.
You won't let me see.
Why?
You say it's not done.
Imperfect.
Nothing you do is imperfect.
Another tear.
You dip your brush in red
And make a thick, heavy stroke.

You won't let me see.
You won't let me in.
You won't open up.
I don't know why it bothers me.
You never have.
You, the woman who shows no emotion.
Me, the man who shows too much.

I get up.
I walk over to your easel.
You shout.
No!
You cry.
You knock over the easel.
You grab the canvas.
You run out into the night.
I yell after you-
Babysweet, come back.

I'm back on the couch.
You've been gone now for an hour.
The rain has started again.
I pour a glass of whiskey.
You've been gone for two hours.
Three.
Four.
Five.
I fall asleep.

I don't know how long you've been gone;
A day?
A week?
A month?
A year?
It's still raining.
Or it's raining again.
Every set of headlights that passes
I wish that it's you.
Coming back.
Coming home.

I see you sometimes.
On the street,
Once on the news.
Sometimes a mutual friend
Will mention you in passing.
I found your new apartment.
Your new work.
Your new boyfriend.
He doesn't bother you when you paint.

I stopped replacing lightbulbs.
You're the only light I want.
I stopped shaving.
My beard catches my tears.
I took up the acoustic guitar.
Sometimes I write you songs.
Sometimes I play them in the park.
Sometimes you jog past.

I met someone.
She's wonderful.
She's little,
And blonde.
Her eyes are bright blue,
With little brown flecks in them.
Her laugh is like a laugh,
I'm not one for hyperbole.
But it's beautiful.
The curve of her hip hold my hand nicer than yours.
She shows me her canvas.
We're getting married.
But... I still love you.

It's been 60 years.
My wife died the other day.
I missed you again.
I went to the place we met.
It isn't there anymore.
I went to the place we had our first kiss.
The river. Sunset. Remember?
It's a strip mall now.

I can't remember anymore.
I try to but I can't.
I look at pictures.
I don't know who these words are for.
But whoever it is, I want you to know.
I'm happy.
A girl came by today.
She was probably 17.
She read this.
She cried.
She handed me a ragged piece of dirty canvas.
There was a heart on it.
The back was signed- "To Blake. From your Babysweet"
Last edited by pielover375 at Jun 29, 2011,
#3
Once again, I love it!
Here goes...

The pronoun "I" used repeatedly is unnecessary. I already know you're the one talking. It would read more fluidly as well.

1st verse:
Love the first three lines.
The phrase "pitter patter" doesn't sit well with me.

2nd verse:
Maybe the second line would be better as, "As I drink my Coke"
Possibly "glance" instead of "peek"

3rd verse:

This one is my favorite favorite favorite part of the whole piece!
It made me fall in love, feel the heartbreak - everything. I wanted to stay in that moment forever.
This verse in particular would especially benefit from less "I's" and more "and's"

4th verse:

This verse is vitally important to your story, and I love it. I can't help but feel the grammar lets you down. Don't change what you're trying to say - just say it better.

5th verse:

What's nice here is you take a breather from your story.
Although I can see that, "You break down stereotypical boundaries.
We do."
coincides with, "You, the woman who shows no emotion.
Me, the man who shows too much"
I feel it is a wordy and unneeded explanation. An attentive listener should infer the situation here without being told.

Great lyrics don't tell you everything. They just spark your imagination to discover the meaning for yourself.


6th verse:
I'm not convinced this verse adds anything to the your story. It just makes it long.

7th verse:
This gets a little choppy for me to read.

8th, 9th, 10th verse:
I would combine and condense these. Say more with less words.

11th and 12th verse:

To be honest, I wasn't very satisfied with the end. I felt like by the time you got to your conclusion you were out of inspiration. I do that all the time, and it frustrates the heck outta me!

In conclusion:
So now that I totally ripped it apart and you never want to speak to me again, I'll tell you that I enjoyed it immensely. Great work!
Last edited by leilalauren at Jun 29, 2011,
#4
Ha ha Leila, I far from never want to speak to you again. I always look forward to your feedback :-) Rewrite is in the opening post
Last edited by pielover375 at Jun 29, 2011,
#5
Oh good.
So, what is your plan with this one? Are you putting it to music? It still feels rather long for a song, but if not, that's different.

Oh. I was thinking of getting rid of the other line in the 5th verse, and not keeping the "stereotypical" one. I kinda had an affinity to "You, the woman who shows no emotion.
Me, the man who shows too much"


I thought the boyfriend who doesn't bother lines were great.
I really like the light bulb line.
Had to laugh at the line about the blue eyes with brown flecks. I've never seen THAT before! Interesting...
The last verse was curious for me. I really thought the first half was a much better ending than the original. But the second half confused me. Who is the 17 year old girl?
#6
Ha ha my current girlfriend has blue eyes with brown flecks in them. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I feel like I want to put it to music... I'm actually going to start recording in a few weeks. I might make it a two parter, to open the record and close the record. I'm going to change it back, in the 5th stanza. The 17 year old girl is a daughter or a granddaughter of the original girl.
#9
Amazing!! I love how you made it into such an intriguing story... although some bits don't really flow too well.... I can't put my finger on it... but I still love it! Keep on writing!
C4C... deal?


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P.S. You can be as harsh as you want when critisising... I enjoy the truth!!