#1
When your days turn into night
And you're waking up mid dream
Covered in scars, from a war
And it seems like you cannot win
An enemy you've never seen
And the enemy’s in your head
And his knife is in your back

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It's all I've got so far, I've just started writing it earlier today, was hoping to get some feed back, just wondering what you guys though of the first few lines.
#3
If you really want certain feedback, the internet is not the place to do it. :P

All right, I'll take a crack.
Very dark, like a looming shadow. There aren't a lot of descriptions, so that's a little disappointing. I suggest changing the "and(s)" at the beginnings. It was just a little too much. I would pluralize night in the first line too.
Overall it's decent, but it still has a ways to go.
BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

I SAY, I SAY, BEWARE THE BANANA ARMY.

They say when they finally attack, all the impostors will peel themselves. In order to tell if you have been assimilated, check for a zipper somewhere near your pelvis.


#4
I'm going to agree with TheTee56 here, on a few points. Such as the "And"s are a little overdone. If I were you, I would swap lines 4 and 5 to give it more rhyme and flow better. If this doesn't sound right to you though, don't bother.

Also, just because I have slight OCD, I believe the correct grammar is "If I WERE You, I'd Run"
Hope I helped!
#5
It's a competent evocation of an oppressive mood, but there isn't anything else going on. gateway01 is right about his subjunctive suggestion, but nobody uses the subjunctive correctly any longer, so it doesn't much matter to me, the English teacher.

If it were me, I would change this:
Covered in scars, from a war
And it seems like you cannot win
to this:
Covered in scars from a war
It seems that you cannot win
I have to say: it bothers me that the one piece of punctuation in the poem is incorrectly used. If you're going to use punctuation, at least use it correctly. Poems don't need punctuation, though, so incorrect punctuation is just annoying.

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Jun 28, 2011,
#6
It's not a bad start, but it's hard to comment on something so short without somehow inferring or suggesting a certain direction, which would make the piece less "yours", if that makes sense. I'd like to see where you go with it from here. Definitely worth playing with some more, though.