#1
Feedback guys, what do you think about it??

As I watched you walk into an ocean of despair
I couldn't help but wonder how any of this was fair
Just as we were getting close together this had to come along
But now I am so far away from all of you as if I'm in Hong Kong
And I couldn't even say goodbye to you
How ashamed do you think I feel now, if only I knew
That when you left my heart would bleed for your life
Maybe then I would have realised how precise friends are like a fork with a knife

I guess this is a goodbye
To all that I once believed in
So I'll take my life to my grave
And wait for the demons to come to me
Even if I'm shouting out the truth to you
You just see me as a stranger now

Don't change the way you think of me
We are from the same story
Even though we have gone our separate ways
There's no reason for us to go through this phase
I know there is little presence in me now
But even still my heart regrets the breakage in the vow
All I wanted was for you and I to be together
With everyone else with nothing bad between us aside the weather

I guess this is a goodbye
To all that I once believed in
So I'll take my life to my grave
And wait for the demons to come to me
Even if I'm shouting out the truth to you
You just see me as a stranger now

Now come back
Please just come back
I can't stand not being with you
You mean the world and stars to me
If only I could have told you that before you went
Then you might have stayed here with me
If you can hear me please
I'm begging you just shout back those three important words

I guess this is a goodbye
To all that I once believed in
So I'll take my life to my grave
And wait for the demons to come to me
Even if I'm shouting out the truth to you
You just see me as a stranger now
#2
This is one of your first ones isn't it?
Quote by SonOfPest
Its the Lydian mode; formed in Eastern Arabia when the Persians invaded England.


Quote by Blind In 1 Ear
try the sexolydian scale.
#4
Try not to force the rhymes

"Just as we were getting close together this had to come along
But now I am so far away from all of you as if I'm in Hong Kong"

Seems overly forced,

"just as we were getting close together, this had to come along
but now we're so far away, maybe we just don't belong"
#6
It's cool! I was in the same position when I started writing, it comes sooner or later, it just happens
#7
Thanks intotheend for saying it for me.

TS: The rhyme is overly forced, the theme is cliched (though some cliches can work out if you do them correctly, it's just very hard to do), though the refrain has no rhyme whatsoever. But hey man, if it's any consolation, my first songs were just as bad and worse. Good songwriting comes with time and practice.
Quote by SonOfPest
Its the Lydian mode; formed in Eastern Arabia when the Persians invaded England.


Quote by Blind In 1 Ear
try the sexolydian scale.