#1
crit4crit
2PAC AND BIGGIE KILLED EACH OTHER

I celebrated Mardi Gras
When Katrina hit New Orleans
And made a beaded necklace
Out of all my baby teeth
Then I sewed her a wedding dress
Using needles from a voodoo doll
With a faded tag that read
Made in the image of our God

I feel more like myself
When I can't remember my own name
The world looks so much better
When you're drifting away in space

I have a cold, cold heart
And Chicago's weather is the chiller
A haven for man-eating lions
Where soldiers are tried as baby killers
It's so hard to define the line
Between what is fact and fiction
When the meaning is revised
With every new edition

I feel more like myself
When I can't remember my own name
The world looks so much better
When you're drifting away in space

Don't come around, round, round
You're bound to fall off the Earth
Dizzy from the original sin
Your parents gave you at birth

I feel more like myself
When I can't remember my own name
The world looks so much better
When you're drifting away in space
Last edited by themarsvolta at Jun 29, 2011,
#2
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
2PAC AND BIGGIE KILLED EACH OTHER

I celebrated Mardi Gras
When Katrina hit New Orleans
And made a beaded necklace
Out of all my baby teeth
Then I sewed her a wedding dress
Using needles from a voodoo doll
With a faded tag that read
Made in the image of our God

Great stanza. I especially like lines three and four, and seven and eight. I love the imagery they give.

I feel more like myself
When I can't remember my own name
The world looks so much better
When you're drifting away in space

I love this refrain. The idea is a bit cliche, but the wording makes it shine.

I have a cold, cold heart
And Chicago's weather is the chiller
A haven for man-eating lions
Where soldiers are tried as baby killers
It's so hard to define the line
Between what is fact and fiction
When the meaning is revised
With every new edition

I feel like lines three and four here got a little too serious. The last four lines are genius.

I feel more like myself
When I can't remember my own name
The world looks so much better
When you're drifting away in space

Don't come around, round, round
You're bound to fall off the Earth
Dizzy from the original sin
Your parents gave you at birth

I really don't like this part. It feels pointless and too straightforwardly serious for the piece.

I feel more like myself
When I can't remember my own name
The world looks so much better
When you're drifting away in space


Judging by the title, I thought I'd hate this piece. I was pleasantly surprised to find a clever, slightly abstract piece with lots of hooks and punchlines. This was a great read, and definitely one of the best I've seen here in a while.

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#3
****in great
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#4
Fantastic. Easily one of your best.

I don't have anything new, and there's nothing really here to critique, so I'll just leave it at that.
#5
This is great. Not gonna lie, the title attracted me
Anyways, I loved the first stanza. It had a weird flow that made it really unique. The ending line is excellent. The chorus is great, makes it more clear as to what the song is about. The third stanza is okay, the flow doesn't work as well until the latter half, and the last two lines are awesome. The bridge (i assume) is pretty decent, but doesn't really fit, as it's only pertaining to one particular person.
Pretty good poem in all though
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#6
Wow....

Edit - the "fact and fiction" stanza was very orwellian sounding :P
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Last edited by Mr.Pink101 at Jul 14, 2011,
#9
Yeah... The title is useless. It'd be as if "Brick," that Ben Folds Five song about taking his girlfriend to get an abortion on December 26th, were titled "Kittens Pooping in the Tall, Tall Grass."

Stan's Ah 1:
The anachronistic celebration is interesting, particularly the morbid necklace. Problem: Who is "she?" This is the only mention of a specific third person, and you're not even being specific. I'll give you Shelkin Brownie points for the voodoo needle part, even though it only makes sense if you stretch (i.e. using those needles to hold the dress together). True brownie points for the almost-too-clever "made in" closer.

Stan's Ah 2:
The first two lines border on being a vaguely cliche idea, and the other two succumb to anonymity to chase the rhyme. Take a common sentiment and own it. Own it like an Army sniper would own the average Call of Duty player in real combat. Also, this could use a transition from the first stanza.

Stan's Ah 3:
That part about "Chicago's weather is the chiller" doesn't sit right with me. The diction's off, and the proceeding couplet says that the weather is a haven, when you obviously mean the city. Shame. And the next bit about fact and fiction is bland, which is a shame since this stanza/verse ends so strongly.

Stan's Ah 4:
See Stan's Ah 2.

Stan's Ah 5:
The first half is undercooked and again runs into the problem of chasing a rhyme. Your idea about original sin being an inheritance? Great. The rest? Not so much.

Stan's Ah 6:
See Stan's Ah 4.

All in all, this is a sine wave of insight and going through the motions. And for what? I don't have that great of an idea of what this is about, just good parts tainted by the sub-par. Still, it's a damn good start.

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#11
Loved this, I've read a lot of your stuff after you got wotm, and this is probably the best I've read. Could definitely tell it was you.
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#14
Dude i'm writing a poem that includes baby teeth in a necklace imagery!

So i'm shitty at you but i quite liked your poem.