#1
I haven't written a song since I left home. Even then, this is only a revision of an old chord progression. The title is tongue in cheek because of my verbosity. Verse chorus verse chorus bridge chorus. It's about something. I can't KISS, but I aim for word economy.

The other version laid down almost 2 years ago was recorded here. Pardon the incompetent vocals. Here goes 1/10 of nothing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGHBXnVbShU


V
Down an abandoned street
Where all the detritus of the city convenes
Birds make their nests
With spent Marlboro Reds
Chicks weaned on nicotine

This town is a tourniquet
A stop-loss for a hemorrhage
A Ray Carver scene
With a Bukowski lean
There's no difference to split

C
And I'm a ghost
With no host
To escape from this labyrinth
Of streetlights
And Saint Elmo's Fires

I'm a ghost
A ghost
In the presence of the downcast
I don't feel
I belong anymore

V
Here lies no opportunity
A quotidian purgatory
The clouds overhead
Race by in the stead
Of the lurching townies

My life was spent well-read
Believing the gospel of Whitman
But his pious creed
Now reads empty
What's the kanji for "regret"?

C

B
Ennui
Has laid itself upon me

C
I am a fake mountain.
Last edited by DanTheHobbit at Jun 30, 2011,
#2
Bukowski and Whitman are my two favourite poets... when you name dropped them my head exploded in a good way. I love this song... the sense of regret, the imagery. Great work
#3
Well, thanks. Any one of the works in your signature you want me to look at in particular?
I am a fake mountain.
#7
Thanks for your crit, man. I can sympathize with losing what you wrote; I've had that experience quite a bit, it's a bitch. Thanks for the constructiveness, too, that piece got a lot of positive feedback that I honestly was surprised by, I was thinking "surely this needs work somewhere." Tbh, I'm not sure what I was thinking as far as the rhythm in certain spots, I must've had a particular song melody in mind when I wrote it or something. Anyway, onto your piece.

I see what you mean about word economy, this certainly has a focus on meaning and metaphor rather than lengthy description or flowery language. Is this a style you try to keep in all of your writing, or is it specific to this piece?

I haven't read much Whitman or Bukowski, but I have read some Carver, and unless I'm mistaken, the allusion was pretty apt for this piece since he writes in a fairly concise style, no? Hope I didn't stick my foot in my mouth.

I enjoyed the first verse's metaphors, they were very interesting and in a style very unlike my own, so it was interesting to read. I was also fairly impressed with the way you avoided blatant rhymes but still kept it close enough to satisfy the urge to read in a rhyming way. The Chorus and second verse have a different feel, but I can't quite put my finger on why. It just seems more...literal. I also have to ask, why did you choose "kanji"? Is it in relation to any of your prior allusions, or simply asking for another perspective on the emotional focus of the lyrics? Or maybe something else altogether?

It's hard for me to say much more because I'm still finding myself impressed and at a loss for critical analysis of writing styles much different from my own, but I'm impressed with the way you took such a relatable and "done" subject like boredom and regret and wrote about it in a unique way.

And thanks for teaching me a new word (quotidian)!
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#8
leilalauren, thanks for reading. I'll respond to one of your pieces tomorrow. It was my birthday this weekend, and life has been busy. My apologies for tardiness.

RaysGotThis, hi! Again, I had something more accomplished at first, but my mouse had mischief on its mind. I'm relieved to find I was still useful. What you put was nothing of which you should be ashamed. No piece is perfect. Even the masters have just been better than the vast majority. Hell, Jim Morrison is still considered a noteworthy writer in some circles.

In more direct response to your comments, I try to do whatever fits. The first version of this piece, the one I play in the link, starts off with, "Down an abandoned street / Where every stale fart in the city convenes." A lot of my writing isn't as dense. Often, I try to fit a story or scene into a brief medium (song/poem or short story). Maybe it's the result of a lifetime of (over-) appreciating song lyrics and full-length books. 26 years, and I'm just doing what I can. For the past few months, I've been toying with a piece called "The Retard Tree." I'll post more works in various stages of completion on here later.

Bukowski/Carver/Whitman... Well, Whitman celebrated the worthiness of everything, in finding value of all facets of life and the world. William Carlos Williams held a similar sentiment, but he came later and doesn't get to claim "FIRST!" on the internet message board of time. Bukowski saw beauty, too, but it was a reconciliation of his life as the personification of doggerel: an ugly man leading an ugly 8 decades. Whitman digested the natural world, and his excrement was Bukowski's fodder: vulgar, real, but with an educated charm. And Carver? He was more of an apologist. He reflected on the human condition and the need for emotions. The first version of my song pitted Bukowski (and his literary proxy Henry Chinaski) as drinking partners. Carver focused on the need on interpersonal relationships, or at least their effects.

Or that's what I took from their pieces. I regret that my library is presently half a world away.

The mood shift was conscious. I'm currently in Korea (I'm an American who went to a rinky-dink state university, BTW), and here hierarchy is everything. The big flows down into the small, and I put the chorus as a link. "Kanji" (the Japanese reading of Chinese characters) was chosen because it's a break from the language I (and ostensibly, the reader) know. The rest of the piece is an exercise in vocabulary, but economy in one field only goes so far. Maybe someone else does it better. Hell, the idea behind the piece is that stagnation is fatal (hence me speaking as a ghost), and moving on is part of the flow. The speaker is just someone who was nose-deep in the books while the world went on.

Thanks for reading. Thanks more for getting something out of it and commenting. Be well. Cheers.
I am a fake mountain.