#1
Rewrote this one. It's much different from the original.

"Lay and Lie"

There we were, 11 o'clock,
In a park so late at night.
Kissed you on your collar bone,
Your heart, it just took flight.
Before long, there we were,
Naked as we came.
Lust or love, I don't care.
Burning like a flame.

I went back back home, and right to her,
Hoping she wouldnt know.
Did I button up my shirt?
Will my indescretion show?
I told you then I told you now,
I love you so much.
And when she kisses me,
I wish it was your touch.

Before long, her and I,
Were over we were through.
And I swear I had all intent,
To just be lovin' you.
But then I met somebody else,
And I just fell in love.
Her hands her lips her eyes her hips,
Fit me like a glove.

I know I said I'd never leave,
And I'd just be loving you.
But with my track record in place,
This is what I have to do.
Hurt you now or hurt you then,
Now I have a choice.
I want to kiss you every time
I even hear your voice.

You know you screwed up my life,
Just like I screwed you.
I'm happy now, I love her,
Accept it, it is true.
You say you're not, but I don't care.
You've got all I have to give.
Your new boyfriend stroking your hair,
Why don't you just love him?
#7
It's based on a true story. I hate her for it and I hate myself for it. I was alright at the time but it seriously ****ed up who I am now. I wish it wouldnt have happened.
#9
OK, you two, cläm dóón before someone gets HPV.

Stanza the First:
At first, referring to 11 as "so late at night" sounds like a stretch, but I'll take it as a reflection of the youth of the speaker. Hell, there are times 9 seems late. The rhyme scheme quickly becomes forced and gives the impression that you're looking for the easiest way to make it fit. "Naked as we came" - Iron and Wine reference? In any case, I'm not sure how comfortable I am knowing that you weren't dry-humping each other. TMI. And burning like a flame? That's redundant. If someone were to say something was "wet like water," you'd scoff.

Stanza the Second:
Hey, the rhyming doesn't sound forced here. Nice. It would serve you well to change "I told you then I told you now" to at least "I tell you now," and adding "as" after "then" would also help. As a whole, this part is inoffensive. Nothing great, but nothing that bad.

Stanza the Third:
Is "her and I" a play on the duo She & Him? Regardless, this comes across as awkward. "Were over we were through" is lazy. Maybe refer to the relationship as a shoe. Other articles of clothing get mentioned, and since you're in various stages of undress throughout the piece, what can it hurt? The "fitting like a glove" idea's a little overdone, but it could pass. Her eyes fitting you like a glove? Um... Lips, yeah. People kiss. Hips, yeah, they can fit for carnal reasons. Eyes? Unless you have some sexual fetish I've never heard of, I don't know how they can fit you like a glove. Time to do some ironing.

Stanza the Fourth:
The "loving you" line was tired the first time you used it. Now it's dead and decomposing. This also makes me realize how often the rhyme scheme relies on the "oo" sound. A larger problem is that you're saying you still like or love this person, but you're utterly helpless to break the habit of moving on to someone new. It doesn't gel with me. "You're so great, but I must break this off." "Why?" "Because." "Because why?" "BECAUSE."

Stanza the Fifth:
Huh. You invert the rhyme scheme for the last 4 lines. Neat. "You say you're not" what? Happy? The rest... Eh, nothing interesting.

Well then. Two young people wound each other with infidelities and overheated emotions. That happens to most people, myself included. Keep writing. Keep living. Keep on rocking in the free world.
I am a fake mountain.
#10
Leila- Thanks for the hug :-)

Dan- Yes! Ha ha Iron and Wine is life changing. I agree it needs work, but this one is, I think, better than the original. I'll work on hammering it out though. Thanks for your feedback :-)
#11
My pleasure. Thanks for taking it in stride.

In other news, what's your favorite pie? I'm a pumpkin man myself.
I am a fake mountain.