#1
Hey guys! I'm a new member to the community. It seems like a lively, entertaining, not to mention useful one

So I was working on some lyrics recently. I think they're good but I want to see how others view them (because I'm not a judge of my own work, obviously haha). Please give me your honest reviews

Here it goes :

One down, six billion more to go
The masses believe in their way
Inane ideas plaguing these minds
Believing they're here to stay
Severed connections and anger that blinds
Love is seemingly betrayed
Too early, you turn to ash
And never again, see the light of day

Detracting yourself from all of reason
You want more than what you gave
Take lesson, you reap what you sow
And so you should behave
Learn to forgive, and you might just have
Someone to cry on your grave
Two down, the six billion remain
Absorbed in material gain

So live on, ungrateful kings
Life of lies and fake wings
When your reign comes to an end
Where are your material things?
And shoot for mortality
You'll never perfect your aim
Times keep changing,
but you'll always be the same

Turn the cheek, ignore my wails
But to truth, shall come my tales

You keep looking but you don't see
A reason for concern
Ignore my dreamer philosophy
Like a nightlamp, it'll burn
Whoever listened to a madman's plea?
The mad for sanity yearn
Why bother with unpleasant me?
Three down, and soon enough
it'll be your turn

So live on, ungrateful kings
Life of lies and fake wings
When your reign comes to an end
Where are your material things?
And shoot for mortality
You'll never perfect your aim
Times keep changing, but you'll always be the same

Now tell me what do you see
In for amends or is it just me?
Look closer, under our debris
Find the ungrateful kings, in search of mercy.
#2
Welcome to UG, and to S&L. You might want to hold off on forming opinions until after you see the Pit, however...

As for your lyrics, I think they're pretty good; they have substance and depth to them, your word choices are strong, and there's a balance all through the song, no part in particular stands out as especially weaker in comparison to the others. I'm not sure if this is your first attempt at writing (I would guess that's not the case), but either way, nice job.

Personally the part I liked least was what I'm guessing is the bridge: "Turn the cheek, ignore my wails/But to truth, shall come my tales." It feels like it was shoehorned in there, and doesn't really add to the song like the other parts do.

One other thing I wanna mention is that while most of your rhymes in here are done pretty well, the ABCB scheme all the way through makes it feel somewhat repetitive, so you might want to alter a few lines so that it's not as prevalent in the song. Or, if you're gonna put music to it, at least make sure the melody is a really good one and doesn't rely too much on the rhymes.

Again, nice job. Hopefully you'll get more crits on this.
#3
hello, Sherifnada! welcome to the community, it's always great to have new people coming here. i suggest you head over to the stickies of the forum to read the rules. as a general rule, the title of your piece should also be the title of the thread. i can change it for you if you give me a title. still, go take a look at the rules just to be sure how things work around here.

again, welcome to the forum!