#1
Hey guys, havn't posted anything for a while, and havn't written much either, anyway here goes. C4C

(Verse)
The thing about life is, knowing who to trust
With everyone after everything you've got.
Sometimes its hard, but you gotta do whats right,
To make your pathway straight, and your conscience white

(Chorus)
Life can bring you down
So do what you can
to make everything alright

Life can turn around
In the blink of an eye
Don't let yourself get caught out on standby

(Versue)
The thing about life is, knowing who to love.
Making sure shes the one you wanna hold.
You've always gotta be there evey night and day,
To let her know how you feel, in every single way.

(Chorus)
Love can bring you down
But dont take back your heart

Love can turn around
If you give it a try.

***************
CCCCCCC444444444444CCCCCCCCCCC
#2
I like this, but it feels like a work in progress to me, I think it could benefit from a bit of rewriting in certain spots, but I like the feel and the way you're putting the words together.


There were 3 things that stood out to me as something I would change:

The rhyming in the first verse feels way too easy and rather strained, which I think takes away from what you're saying. Unless you've got a killer melody in mind for that section, I'd suggest changing up the lines a little bit, maybe using near-rhymes rather than full on ones. For example: "Sometimes it's hard, but you gotta do what's right/To keep your pathway straight, to take it all in stride" Even "stride" feels a bit too easy, but you see what I mean? This also applies to the last 2 lines of the 2nd verse.

The second thing is the last line of the chorus; I like that section a lot, but the last line just didn't really deliver for me. I can't think of a suggestion for a rewrite, but play around with it a bit, see what you can come up with. Not that it HAS to change, but I don't feel like it does the rest of the section justice.

The last thing is the line "But don't take back your heart," it just feels a bit odd to me. I can't put my finger on why, but I have a funny feeling about it. Sorry that's not more helpful or constructive, but like I said, if you're up to it, play around with it a bit. Maybe make a chord progression for the song and play along to the words, and see if that helps.


Hopefully that didn't seem to harsh, it wasn't meant to be. Take it all with a grain of salt, but I only make those suggestions because I dig it otherwise. If you've got the means, I'd be interested in hearing a recorded version of this.
#3
Thanks for that! great crit!
I totally agreee with the rhymes being a little too easy, think thats what was bugging me about it! i'll go back and see whats good.

I actually wrote this to a progression, and i normally use alot of melody in my vocals so I think i'll just play around for a little while. and if I do record it, ill send you a link!

Thanks again!
#4
I really liked the flow off this piece. I think it definitely would wrok great as a song. However there are a few lines that I found to be weak. The llast line of the first verse just seemed like it was there to fit the rhyme. Also the second line of the second verse seemed kind of weak to me. I want a line there that has more urgency. Anyways, I liked this piece. Very positive which is a nice thing to see

Crit mine please
Survival of the Fittest
#5
Quote by RaysGotThis
The rhyming in the first verse feels way too easy and rather strained, which I think takes away from what you're saying. Unless you've got a killer melody in mind for that section, I'd suggest changing up the lines a little bit, maybe using near-rhymes rather than full on ones.

+1

Also:
The first chorus didn't sit well with me. It felt very.....generic. I think you've got the right idea, but I would suggest a metaphor or something to make it more specific.

I really liked the second verse a lot.

Overall, nice work. I agree with themarsvolta - it's always nice to see positivity in the forum.

Keep working on it - it's got potential!
Blessings