#1
Basically this is the happy ending that never happened.
Enjoy!


I got back two days ago
In my hometown for awhile
Mama says I’m never around
Guess I don’t care much anymore

I live my own life now
No one to second guess me
Distance feels so free
I really was never one to follow the crowd

In line for my coffee
(They’d better get it right)
I notice pretty eyes behind a mocha
Sitting in the corner like a sweet memory

How things were
Came washing over me
But she saw me staring,
And suddenly got up to leave

Following, I called her name
She only walked faster
With soft curls in the wind
I’m never going to lose her again

A chase for redemption
What I left behind before
Is now leaving me
I’ve never been the type to admit I was wrong

I touch her shoulder
There’s no hiding now,
Her tears so precious
My fingers trembling as I brush them away


Your strength amazes me
Look how beautiful you’ve grown
Not the little girl of my memories
But the woman of my dreams

As you let go gently
And rest in my arms
My heart breaks inside me
How many tears have you cried alone?

Little girl, you’re my angel
You taught me to be a man.
All those other things I’ve been chasin’
Guess I don’t care much any more
Last edited by leilalauren at Jul 2, 2011,
#2
I really enjoyed this piece. It sucked me in more and more as I read through it until it came to a nice resolve at the end. And I can't find anything wrong with it, nothing jumping out at me, pretty solid in my eyes.

Good job!
Check out my lyrics! (C4C)

Critical Condition
Tombstone

Quote by SteveHouse
That's actually the point of this. Tell your inner editor to shut the fock up and just write.
#3
I like it a lot. Solid lyrics, nothing missing or added. Great theme, like the country style to it. Great job!
#6
I really liked this, can't see any problems with it for what it is. Great flow as well, comes to a nice conclusion and the conversational story telling style is very effective. Very nice!
#7
Well, I did like this song. It has this kind of Taylor Swift flow in it. But what I kinda missed is a chorus, something that would repeat througout the song, now it's more like a story to me. And in the last three verses, it's her daddy talking, right? I felt like something was missing, like a line, which introduced her dad, because there before you were talking about her mama .? But overall it was really nice. And I could really imagine Taylor Swift writing and singing this song. So good job!
#8
Well thank you Debbie. Any comparison to Taylor is much appreciated.

Yes, sometimes I don't write a chorus (like Hey Beautiful). I haven't gotten 'round to putting this to music yet, so I'll decide when the time comes.

Thank you for informing me of your confusion. I didn't think of it ever interpreted that way!

Actually, this piece is my first stab at role playing. I'm writing from the man's perspective. And in the last three stanzas when it switches from 1st to 2nd person, he's talking to the girl.


Was anyone else confused???
#9
Quote by leilalauren
Well thank you Debbie. Any comparison to Taylor is much appreciated.

Yes, sometimes I don't write a chorus (like Hey Beautiful). I haven't gotten 'round to putting this to music yet, so I'll decide when the time comes.

Thank you for informing me of your confusion. I didn't think of it ever interpreted that way!

Actually, this piece is my first stab at role playing. I'm writing from the man's perspective. And in the last three stanzas when it switches from 1st to 2nd person, he's talking to the girl.


Was anyone else confused???


I wasn't confused. It came out exactly as you described it for me.
Check out my lyrics! (C4C)

Critical Condition
Tombstone

Quote by SteveHouse
That's actually the point of this. Tell your inner editor to shut the fock up and just write.
#10
Love this

So fantastic and I agree that it Definetly has a Taylor Swift twist. I think all your songs do. Taylor Swift is just an amazing person haha
#11
Quote by leilalauren
Well thank you Debbie. Any comparison to Taylor is much appreciated.

Yes, sometimes I don't write a chorus (like Hey Beautiful). I haven't gotten 'round to putting this to music yet, so I'll decide when the time comes.

Thank you for informing me of your confusion. I didn't think of it ever interpreted that way!

Actually, this piece is my first stab at role playing. I'm writing from the man's perspective. And in the last three stanzas when it switches from 1st to 2nd person, he's talking to the girl.


Was anyone else confused???

Ahaa, I see .

Mama says I’m never around

I thought it was the girl speaking and coming back to her hometown. Odd that I'm the only one who thought that way


I live my own life now
No one to second guess me
Distance feels so free
I really was never one to follow the crowd

It feels like it's the girl talking, like how she left her parents to see the world.?

And to be honest, when I was reading the last three stanzas, I thought at first it was the mom talking (but apparently she doesn't play a role =$ ) ,, until I read 'You thought me to be a man' .

But ah well, it's really a good song.. And I guess I'm the only one misinterpreting it.
#12
I really, really like this. It's not exactly the most complex of pieces but it's really potent in its message and I respect that. I love the recurrence of the line "Guess I don’t care much any more", especially since it holds a very different sentiment the second time.


My only criticism:
In line for my coffee
(They’d better get it right)
I notice pretty eyes behind a mocha
Sitting in the corner like a sweet memory


Good stanza, but that simile just kills it for me. A sweet memory doesn't sit in a corner... Perhaps rephrase it as "A sweet memory sitting in the corner like a _______ (something that actually sits in a corner)"

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1457324
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.
#13
Well everyone had the bases covered on this one... I really enjoyed this though. For your first attempt at role play i think its definitely successful. Its very easy to confuse people when trying to play multiple people, not that i was confused fyi, so its to be expected that some people will always be confused. Enjoyed it a lot! Record a demo!
#14
Quote by andychalmers102
I really, really like this. It's not exactly the most complex of pieces but it's really potent in its message and I respect that. I love the recurrence of the line "Guess I don’t care much any more", especially since it holds a very different sentiment the second time


I'm glad you caught that. Good eye!

As for the simile, I'll play with it a bit. I used it to introduce the concept that he knew her in the past.

As for your piece, I'm on it!
#15
Not bad, but I didn't realize it was from a man's perspective until I got to the "you taught me to be a man" line. I was reading it as a daughter-mother thing until then.

I guess what I'm saying is this reads as if it were written by a woman (because it was, obviously). Not bad, but perhaps try to get into the role better next time you try something like this. Make the reader believe it was written by a man, rather than by a woman trying to sound like a man.

Focusing only on the content rather than the context, these lines stuck out to me as needing re-writing:

"I really was never one to follow the crowd" and "I’ve never been the type to admit I was wrong"

It just feels cheap to hand out lines about the character like that. Don't tell me how you are; tell me something that happened that suggests how you are.

"(They’d better get it right)"

Honestly, this just felt like filler to me, and it reads a bit immature.

"Sitting in the corner like a sweet memory"

As someone said, using a simile here doesn't sound right. I suggest something like: "Sitting in the corner, my sweet memory". It makes more sense without affecting the meaning or the flow.

Overall, this wasn't bad. I think you mainly need to work on getting the message across that you're trying to convey, especially when you're a woman singing a song from a man's perspective or vice versa. The listener, when hearing male or female vocals, is automatically going to assume it's written from the singer's point of view (whether that include gender alone, or even race, religion, culture, etc.) unless the lyrics make it obvious enough for any listener to pick up on it.

Cheers.
#16
This might sound harsh. Don't be dissuaded from writing.

1:
Got back from where? Stationed in the military? College? Lollapalooza? Peace Corps? And what doesn't he care about: what his mother says, his hometown, everything? If you answer those questions, try not to be heavy-handed. Regardless, this stanza lacks personality.

2:
This reads as a bit... misguided. There's always someone to second-guess you in some capacity. Also, it might do to change the big about distance feeling free. The distance is making you feel free, not that it's free by itself. That's more of a semantic issue, though. And yes, the last line here is needlessly blunt.

3:
Others have adequately criticized this bit. "They'd better get it right" makes the speaker sound like the type of bellicose braggart who thinks the world owes him something, an alpha male in the worst way. Given that this is a sentimental song looking for love, it wouldn't do to make the guy out to be a Punchy McRapeface.

4:
How were the things when he thought about how those things were? What things? Also, what makes her get up to leave?

5:
The first three lines perfunctory and serviceable enough. The last line, again, is like having a pleasant conversation, then abruptly shouting at the end. Too obvious.

6:
What did he leave behind? Teenage romance? Baby momma? Engagement? A chance at a blossoming relationship? A green card? And again, the last line is ham-fisted. Being blunt is fine in measured doses, but too many knock-outs displays a lack of nuance. Neat little trick with the "I left you, and now you're the one who's leaving" part. Kudos there, and props for not drawing it out, which would've been to its detriment.

7:
OK, so she stops, or he catches up?

8:
Technically, there's nothing wrong here, but it sounds like a Hallmark card or Harlequin-novel-level wish fulfillment. It's pandering.

9:
OK, this is a little better. The "heart breaks inside me" line is flat, and her letting go is vague, but it's nothing fatal.

10:
More treacly sentimentality. What exactly has been taught? Again, why did he leave? And what was he chasing?

As a whole, too much relies on the present, and there's no context with which the characters can be fleshed out. There's absolutely nothing wrong with simplicity. The important part is exhibiting depth. Ah well. Van Gogh wasn't the best painter in the world when he was starting out. Keep writing, and don't cut off your ear.
I am a fake mountain.
#17
I think that my problem with this piece is that it is overly-simple. Simplicity can be beautiful... but you're telling a narrative with a character that has no life or breath to him. Your narrator is flat, there's really no voice to him. You can spice that up by painting images that aren't so generic as teary girl. Maybe he notices that his favorite seat is missing (it is his hometown), maybe he notices a spider on the wall (he's an entomologist?), maybe you a lock of fiery red hair falls over his eye (ginger?). You need to add some character to your... ehem... character if you want me to really feel engaged by the story.

Beyond that, you stick to such simple... "this" then "this" then "that" then "girl" then "hold" then "this" styling that it reads like a play by play instead of letting me see what is happening. Like an announcer to a football match... it lacks the inspiration of seeing a player do a backflip... because all I hear is a monotone, "and then Bob Dole did a back flip."

I think those are my main qualms. If you spice this up a bit... give your setting some life, give your characters some flaws and breath, and PAINT the picture instead of describe it to me... I think this takes on a new life and the generic Lifetime Network story of boy in hometown finds love he hasn't seen since he had a crush on her in 3rd grade becomes something I can care about... because now it's not just some boy... it's a man who fought in Vietnam and battled an Opium addiction... who still trembles about the fact he's killed men and finds solace in that third grade crush... or something.

This just yearns for more dimensions. I feel like you've given a nice set of broad brush strokes... now I need you to go back in and do the detail work so that I can appreciate what you've written as art instead of a clunky outline of art.

Cheers,
Zach

(If you feel like returning a critique, please do so on "turtle" in my sig).