#1
*just uploaded an improved version! Thanks to you guys, I think it's turning out pretty good now!*

http://www.myspace.com/redasjdavis

Need constructive criticism on this one guys!
Especially pronounciation of specific words etc. which I'm working on alot but still fail sometimes :P

Any other comments on the song as a whole? All critique is welcome!
Note that this is only a quick draft, just to put down the main bits of the song It doesn't really end where it ends right now!

lyrics:



verse 1
A curbside Juliet and Romeo
Tryin' to make it through the day
They try to make a livin'
 Begging for change, by the train

They have a little mouth to feed
A seven month old baby boy
Growing up on a dead end street
His life depends on the flip of a coin

bridge 1
It makes me wonder
What keeps them from giving in
It goes to show you
That money isn't all you need

(chorus)
Love,
Love to survive
Only love  will keep you alive
It's allright as long as there's 
Someone who cares, right by your side
Your wife our your brother
Jesus or your mother
You need someone to embrace
Love,
 Love to survive

verse 2
A bad seed, criminal, no life
He's got no choice, he lives the name
His drunken father crying
He's drinking up, just to ease the pain

Jimmy's mama' passed away last year
His sister put her body on the street for sale
He always tries to see a brighter side
But there is no light coming in tonight

bridge 2
It makes me wonder
What keeps him from going under
What keeps him from giving up on his
Lonely, miserable life

(chorus)
Love,
Love to survive
Only love  will keep you alive
It's allright as long as there's 
Someone who cares, right by your side
Togheter we're stronger,
We all need a shoulder
To cry on sometimes
Love,
 Love to survive

Last edited by Evil_Magician at Jul 3, 2011,
#3
I like it man. Very 80s metal acoustic. Kind of reminds of Bon Jovi/Skid Row.

You have a good voice and your guitar here is great. If you're talking about pronunciation as a english is your second language than you sound great man. Kind of reminds me Arctic Sonata's vocal style which I love. The "together we're stronger" sounds really cool.

The song itself is really good man, I'm super impressed. Acoustic solo is great, you have serious chops.


C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1456949
#4
First off, holy shit a myspace link, haven't seen one of those in ages.

Mad song man, nice guitar work, nice voice, nice harmonies.

Shit lyrics though, and I don't like how you pronounce "survive" a whole lot, or "love" really, you kinda say it like "laav".

Asides from that, mad song man, keep us up to date when you finish it.
#5
E_M,
I'm from the Los Angeles area, if you were going for an American accent, it sounds good to me! Guitar sounds good for the most part (Playing & tone), melodies quite good. Sounds like too much tube saturation (could be something different) on the vocals, but I'm sensitive to that. Singing is very good. Reminds me somewhat like a Guns'n Roses song for me. Nice song! Please review my music at this link:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1456385
Last edited by aaron aardvark at Jul 2, 2011,
#6
Quote by Guitar Hack
Very nice! Good enough for a record contract in my book. Do you have more? Only thing I would change is to try and soften the chorus a bit. Maybe a little bass and a little reverb.

Would you mind giving "Thinking of YOu" a listen?

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=477036



It was pretty interesting, but are the vocals supposed to be so "far away" or is it jsut because of the way you recorded them? I didn't really find a good hook in the song so it wasn't that memorable, your sound is surely cool though !


First off, holy shit a myspace link, haven't seen one of those in ages.

Mad song man, nice guitar work, nice voice, nice harmonies.

Shit lyrics though, and I don't like how you pronounce "survive" a whole lot, or "love" really, you kinda say it like "laav".

Asides from that, mad song man, keep us up to date when you finish it.


Thanks for the great crit! Since this song is still a work in progress, any ideas on improving the lyrics? Or is it just a personal taste issue?
And thanks on the word on pronounciation!
#7
More specifically, the chorus lyrics are shit.

"Love, love to survive, together we're stronger".. it's about as cheesy as it gets man, might aswell drop the want/need clichè in there while you're at it haha..

No suggestions as to what wouldn't be cheesy, since it's got the cheesy 80's metal band acoustic song feel to it, so I guess it works with that.
#8
Thanks bro (Y)!
I agree, that's actually the main part that I don't like at the moment
Good to hear that it's not just me :P
#9
I feel like it is a pretty generic 80's acoustic sounding song as well. I think maybe if you rerecorded it without the reverb and with different vocal harmonies it could come out a lot better. I personally like the lyrics, but I agree that the chorus lyrics are a bit cheesy.

If you could check out my band in my sig, I'd appreciate it.
American Circus
Like the White Stripes, RHCP, or Cage the Elephant? Check out mah band!
#10
Thanks for all the good crit guys!
Thanks to you... I give you an updated version of the song!!! (it's under the same title on my myspace page
More crit now please and I'll crit you back, you know that mother****er!

*kraftmacaroni

I checked your band out! You have a nice sound going. I liked it
#13
well first i guess ill add my two sense to the cheese debate. as long as we are speaking english, anything with any sentiment is going to come off as cheesy. im not a multi-linguist but from what ive gathered other languages are far better at capturing these kind of emotions. my fix to this at this point is to just avoid these topics altogether, but thats not always the best solution. think about some of the lyrics in some of the greatest songs of all time. think about the lyrics you see quoted in your facebook feeds day in and day out. im not saying its a good or a bad thing, but cheesy works. the tone of the music and vocal consistency also reflect how the words themselves come off. its not like its a 14 year old singing over a I IV V about how much he loves the girl he met today. if its how you feel its how you feel and you only have so much to work with when it comes to words. big words and grandiose metaphors come off as cheesy too. its just a lose, lose ....but i digress.


the song itself sounds legit. i could easily hear this on the radio or whatever. the ascending guitar leading into the solo is brilliant. it creeps right in out of nowhere and what follows is great. i really like the trills in the background.your voice sounds great throughout but with headphones i noticed something a little strange. i thought it would be really nice to have a harmony of some sort right from the beginning and i think the chorus really lends itself to it. early on in the song the chorus does have some kind of double but its so low it almost just sounds like its off and echo-y. the chorus before the solo is the best of them and gets in to more of what i was hoping for, but still the backing vocals are pretty low. id perhaps consider playing around with some harmonies and seeing if anything clicks for you
#14
Great guitar playing. Obvious skill. The vocals are good. Nice voice. I like the structure. My only main concern are those chorus lyrics. Scrap the lyrics and use the vocal melody for the chorus to write more non-cheesy lyric lines. Really great song though. Solo was definitely awesome. Good guitar tones too.

Thanks for the critique!
#15
I like this song man, it does sound very 80s. I think its brilliant and a lot of feelings shine through. I agree with the many in this thread, change the lyrics of the chorus and change up the vocal harmonies I ****ing loved most of it though. I loved the solo, great job dude you've got skill man! Good song

Check out my stuff dude: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=27583810#post27583810
#16
Musically it sounds good. I like your voice and the guitar playing fits.
I don't like the lyrics very much though, especially for the chorus. I like the Love to Survive message, but the chorus is just wayyy too cheesy. The melody isn't very strong in the chorus either. I would consider changing that.