#1
Hello everyone,

I would like to let you all know, first of all, this is my first post on this website. I decided you could all help me with my lyrics writing skills and they could get better because right now, I think they are pretty crappy. Please note,I'm only 15, well almost 16, so they aren't fantastic. I'm a guitarist and have been for 3 years now. Unlike moset people, I'm not looking to become famous. I'm doing this because I enjoy it. So, why not write my own original songs? I wrote this song in less than 15 minutes tops. This is my first original song and I will accept any type of feedback! Thanks all! Happy 4th of July weekend!


PS. I realize this also may be a odd way of writing a song.


Verse 1

I thought
That once we could've been
That couple,
Who walks the halls
With crowns on our heads

Verse 2

Now we
We aren't what we should be
We are
Far apart
why aren't we together?

Pre-Chorus

What does she have that I don't?
Why is it looks are so deceiving?

Chorus

I remember when I was told I would be yours
I remember when you said we'd be okay
So why did you go behind my back
And decide between us
Now you're always gonna be
A cheater
And don't you know
No one likes a cheater

Verse 3

When you left
I thought you were always going out with your friends
Turns out
You were spending time with my best friend
Getting to know
One another
More than I will ever know

Pre-Chorus

What does she have that I dont?
Why is it looks are so deceiving?

Chorus

I remember when I was told I would be yours
I remember when you said we'd be okay
So why did you go behind my back
And decide between us
Now you're always gonna be
A cheater
And don't you know
No one likes a cheater

Bridge

Why can't we all just be fair
We have to live life unfair
why can't we have things we still want?


Verse 4

Why is it that we are all left
Alone in the cold
When we find out
Things we aren't supposed to know?
Why are all looks so deceiving?

Chorus

I remember when I was told I would be yours
I remember when you said we'd be okay
So why did you go behind my back
And decide between us
Now you're always gonna be
A cheater
And don't you know
No one likes a cheater


Don't you know
No one likes you anymore.


ANY FEEDBACK IS WELCOME. ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO CHANGE IT IS WELCOME. ANY SUGGESTIONS ON NEW LINES, SONG TITLES ARE WELCOME.
Last edited by MissyBee123 at Jul 1, 2011,
#2
Okay cool. No one likes a cheater. I can relate to that for sure. You've got a timeless and relatable topic. Good job there.

Oh for goodness sake, where are my manners? Welcome to UG!!! I'm rather a newbie here myself, but you've come to the right place!
Now back to business...

Now the tone of your piece. It comes across very...........highschool'ish. Obviously, that's who you are, and whatever you do don't write something that you're not, but unless you want this to land a track on the next High School Musical soundtrack (heaven forbid!), then I suggest you add more creativity and less stereotypical drama.

As for the rhyming - there isn't any, and I congratulate you. You have avoided the number one trap for beginning writers: being a slave to a perfect rhyme! Great job.

Your organization is great! Very clear and clean. And thank you for omitting grammar errors and typos!! People will take you WAY more seriously if you act like you know what your doing.

Overall, I feel that this piece means a lot to you, but it really means nothing to me. If all you are after is the self-gratification and confidence you'll get by playing this piece for yourself (which may be exactly what you want, judging from your notes), then that is totally fine.
However, if you want others to enjoy it (which I assume is why you are here on UG), then you have to draw them in, make it real to them - as real as it was when you experienced it yourself. Using metaphors, similes, allusions - all those are tools to help you.

I think this is a wonderful effort, and I applaud your hard work. I hope you take my criticism constructively and continue your writing.
Blessings
#3
Thank you so much for replying! It really means a lot to me.


Also thank you for welcoming me to the site.


I will definetly take your advice and use it. Of course, it's high schoolish, as you said, I'm in high school. I as well see that. Definetly I will use your advice about making it more relatable to others. None of my song have that much rhyming, I did those more like poems instead of songs. Songs have so much more meaning in my opinion.


Also, I am in love with your song "Hey Beautiful" that was amazing. I applaud you on that wonderful piece of work.


Thank you again for the advice I will take it and use it.
#4
leilalauren... i have always fallen into that tra of rhyme, however the songs sound pretty ok....

yes welcome to UG missybee123. im also new but dont like posting my songs on here. i posted one song and i have had positive and negative feedback
#5
Hi Missybee123, and thank you for joining and sharing your work.

At 15, to simply write a full song and throw it to the masses is great.

I think when looking at this song you really need to remember your age and audience.

Afterall, when I was 15 I wrote similar songs and they were well recieved by my 15 yr old peers.

Then when I was 18 my songwriting changed and I was then well recieved by my 18yr old peers

now I'm in my 20s and guess what, my songwritings changed and my 20 something peers like my songs.

Basically its all relative, and thats how I've looked at this song. Your writing a song that someone your age can relate to, and in that sense you've hit the nail on the head.

Stand out line for me is "Why is it looks are so deceiving?", yes this could be seen as cliché but I like how you've put it straight before the chorus. That line is perfect for the build up.

Though remember the key to moving from good to great to perfect is re-writing and tweaking and I think this will only improve as you continue to write more (especially for longer than 15mins at a time lol)
#6
Hello Frontman Shields and Woodery9896,


Thank you both for commenting and welcome to you as well Woodery!!


Frontman Shields, I thank you greatly for you advice and completely agree with you. I will of course tweak this song once I have advice on how I can. I'm glad you liked the line "why are looks so deceiving"! I have to admit it is one of my favorites as well.
#7
Hello MissBee123, welcome to the Ultimate-Guitar Songwriting and Lyrics Forum. I've been here for years and have found that this site is very helpful for getting advice on your work and I hope you find the same

Verse 1

I thought
That once we could've been
That couple,
Who walks the halls
With crowns on our heads
Well obviously I can see that you are writing to fit the genre for the high-school fifteen-year-olds. For that this intro is alright, it is smooth and easy to relate to, but lacks originality.

Verse 2

Now we
We aren't what we should be
We are
Far apart
why aren't we together?
Now this is the whole thing about the fifteen-year-old genre that I don't care for too much. There is no imagry, originality, metaphors, analogies, nothing. This is just another cliche stanza about being apart, wishing you were together, meloncholy, etc. Now I would suggest changing this stanza to some sort of an image. Not a generic image of holding hands in sunshine or licking lollipops by the beach; you need an image that brings the reader to the same level of depression you are currently in. Add some sullen skies, a nice Carrion Crow would add to the symbology, dead trees would add some gloomy-ness; but keep in mind that you are going for depression, not gloomyness. I am sure non of that made sense, but if by chance it did I hope it helped

Pre-Chorus

What does she have that I don't?
Why is it looks are so deceiving?
Now this first line really works well in the fifteen-year-old genre and this second line I think works well in most genres (which is a fantastic thing to add to your work so then you get more interested readers.) I like these two lines and think they are a nice compliment to the preceding stanzas

Chorus

I remember when I was told I would be yours
I remember when you said we'd be okay
So why did you go behind my back
And decide between us
Now you're always gonna be
A cheater
And don't you know
No one likes a cheater
Again for the fifteen-year-old genre this is actually really good, but if your going to appeal to a larger crowd you need more picture, more references to other things people might be able to relate to.

Verse 3

When you left
I thought you were always going out with your friends
Turns out
You were spending time with my best friend
Getting to know
One another
More than I will ever know

Bridge

Why can't we all just be fair
We have to live life unfair Sounds grammatically incorrect
why can't we have things we still want?
In a song, Smillin' Like a Buddha, there is a bridge style I think would work here. The Buddha bridge says something along the lines on; While we have the hears, just hangin 'round, take the time to hear, take the time to hear the sound.' Now you can change this to fit your situation more about while you have the time, the love, the whatever it is you find valuable and I think that would work well here. Just a suggestion


Verse 4

Why is it that we are all left
Alone in the cold
When we find out
Things we aren't supposed to know?
Why are all looks so deceiving?
Now this last line that matches the pre-chorus halps bring the whole work into one complete peice of work. I think this is one of your best stanzas so far.

Now before you discredit me as a heart-less critique that doesn't like your work just know this is how I critique everyones work. There are only a few people who I've seen can write work that I cannot think of anything to suggest. I actually thought this was really good for the genre, but what I've been suggesting is how to go beyond the genre and write something with more creativity and imagry that more people can relate to, and not just people in your genre, just another monolithic cliche. If you want some suggested writers to use as examples try Ganoosh, Sticky Tissues, and Rushmore.

Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#8
24WildRovers,

First of all I thank you for replying and second, I thank you for being honest. I will Definetly use your advice and make it better. I absolutely do not think of you as a cold-hearted person. You are just giving constructive criticism and that is exactly what I wanted. Thank you so much.